Narcissism
by Hatsbox
Summary: The semi-but-not-actually prequal to "The Disasters Brought By Free Time and Neglect," that does stand on it's own. Ryuichi, and his own personal thoughts on Shuichi, Tatsuha, and life in general. (Not SxR)
1. 01

Hatsbox here, with yet another different spin on Maki Murakami's work, Gravitation. This bit of fiction is in no way affiliated with Maki Murakami, nor is it making any profit whatsoever. For those of you who feel like leaving a review, it's greatly appreciated, and constructive criticism is more than welcome. For those of you who wish to leave a grammatically incorrect piece of shit complaint that has nothing to do with the story whatsoever, (and to clear things up for those of you who are dense and cannot read warning labels, this story is in the angst category, so complaining about angst when a story is in the angst category is profoundly moronic, and I can only hope your seed will be wiped from the earth) I will make it a point to be as hostile and cruel as I can. That said, on with the show.

Chapter 1

"Tohma is going to be very angry with me." I murmured softly to Kumagoro, rubbing between his ears. "Very mad indeed, and we know what Tohma is like when he's mad. I hope he'll still be my friend." Kuma-chan nodded sagely, and I inferred from his gestures that he thought that Tohma wouldn't stop being friends with me over something so… trivial. Even though Kuma-chan didn't approve of my behavior either, I knew he didn't, looking up at me with such disappointed eyes. No longer able to keep his gaze, I mean, I was ashamed too, I picked up the phone and twirled the cord a few times because I liked the way the plastic loops felt between my fingers. Eventually I dialed. The number pad on the phone felt smooth and cool between my fingers, like how it feels to dip your hand into a barrel full of ball bearings. It was nice that the man behind me wasn't in a hurry; when I'd been in this situation before there was somebody behind me who was in an awful rush, and I'd barely been able to talk to Tohma at all. I suppose this particular man didn't speak up because of who I was, and I felt a bit guilty that sometimes being a super-gigantic-big-humungo star made people do things for me. Things that they wouldn't normally do for just anybody.

A sleepyhead voice picked up the phone, and another, more feminine voice made a groaning sound in the background. I smiled. I love the sound of Tohma's voice when he wakes up, all confused and mussed and soft, but kind of craggy. It's the sound he makes before he has to be a big shot record executive, and the same voice he had when I met him. I love that voice, and sometimes I call him real early for no reason at all just to hear it. I had a reason this time though, I recalled quickly, and I spoke up.

"Good morning Tohma!!" I said, mostly excited but kind of tired.

"Ryuichi." He replied in return. "What's going on? You don't normally call me," I could practically hear him check the clock next to his bed, "at two o'clock in the morning."

"Tohma, when you're just awake, you sound like an angel." I sighed into the receiver. I could hear him smile. He always smiles for me, even when I'm being bad. I think he thinks my antics are funny, even when they make him lose sleep. I guess that's why I love him so much. He's the most patient person I know. Or, well, he's the most patient person when it comes to me.

"Did you call just to talk, Ryu, because Mika's sleeping… trying to sleep, and if you need to talk I'll use one of the rooms down the hall."

I frowned a little. "Oh, well um, you see, we're in a bit of a situation, Kuma-chan and I, and we need Tohma's help because, um, because of the situation." He went silent. Like, the kind of silence just before you're about to get eaten by a panther.

"Ryuichi… this, this isn't like the last time you needed my 'help' is it? Ryuichi?"

I frowned, feeling very, very sorry. "It's… probably just a teeny, tiny bit worse." He sighs, frustrated, and I bet he smoothes a hand through his hair. I can always tell when he's thinking, because that's what he does. He puts one of his beautiful, soft hands through his baby-soft hair and traces it through. Did I mention how much I love Tohma?

"How much worse?" he asks, sounding disappointed, but unsurprised.

I begin very quickly. "Well, we went to a costume shop this time, and then once he put it on I couldn't think very well and we-"

Tohma cuts me off. "Okay, I get it, I get it. Ryuichi, are you drunk?"

I pout. "Maybe a little. Not that much. I wasn't driving this time!"

"Is Kumagoro with you?"

I reply with a soft "Yeah," and he makes a disappointed sound.

"Imagine how Kumagoro must feel, being dragged into this all the time. Ryuichi, this… isn't healthy. Maybe you should start seeing Dr.-"

I glare at the wall. "No. That is not what we need. Dr. Almerya did NOT know what she was talking about, and we are mad at her, so we aren't going to talk to her ever again." He gets angry.

"Ryuichi! This is the second time- granted, there have probably been other times that you haven't needed "Tohma's special help", -that you've done this. Within the past two months, no less. After this last time, Tohma isn't going to help you out, so find someone else to do it! If you're going to keep doing this to yourself, I'm not going to- Jesus Ryu, you're like a drug addict! Do you honestly think I'm going to keep handing you money and means to keep up with your habit?!"

I whimper, and whisper softly into the receiver. "Is… Is Tohma still Ryuichi's friend? Is," I choke back a sob, but he can tell I'm crying. "Is Tohma mad at Ryu-chan?"

He sighs again. "Yes. Tohma is very, VERY angry with Ryu-chan, especially since Ryu-chan is drunk, and trying to make him feel bad by pulling this whole crying bullshit and talking like he's four years old. Listen Ryuichi; you haven't stolen cookies from the cookie jar. You're in deep, and you're trying to take advantage of our friendship. And yes, I'm still your friend, and I'm going to help you one last time, but this is it. Tohma is feeling very used, and very, very tired, and while he's on his way to pick you up, you should think about all the things you can do to make it up to him, alright?" I nod, tears gone, and using his secret I-can-see-you-through-the-phone powers, he replies. "Good. Where are you?"

I give him the address, and he gives me a short goodbye before hanging up the phone. I hate short goodbyes, and I know that Tohma knows that I hate short goodbyes, so I feel bad that I've made Tohma that angry. I smile at the man behind me. He smiles back. I decide that I like him. "May I wear you hat, Mr. Policeman Sir?" He sighs, and plops his hat down on my head.

"You're really drunk, aren't you kid?" I blush, and his hat falls over my eyes. He laughs a little, before shaking his head. "Don't think I'm going easy on you. You broke the law. This is a serious charge." He takes his hat back and I frown. "Besides which, you're pretty famous, right? You should be worried about your image."

"Tohma will take care of it for me." I say matter-of-factly.

"That's a pretty shitty thing to do to your friend." He tells me in the same tone.

"Do I have to go back to my cell?" I ask, giving him my best adorable look.

"Yup." He says, giving me a stern look.

I sigh, and he locks me back up again. I get to sit on one of the benches, putting space between the dirty looking man who's asleep on the floor, and the really built guy who's giving me a funny look. I kind of have to pee, but I'll wait until later, because I'm afraid of the urinal. At least I'll have time to reflect on the bad things I've done. Even though, in my mind, I'm kind of happy that I did them, because it was better than doing the other things I wanted to do.

I guess it started with a night a few months back, though I can't really remember the details. I'd been partying, because that's just what I do when I'm upset, mainly for the fact that Mika's pregnant and Tohma's not going to be in Grasper anymore. Oh, did I fail to mention that my best friend in the entire world has DITCHED me for his kid?! Alright, alright, I overreacted a little bit when he first told me, and once I stopped crying at him and calmed down enough to listen, I discovered, as per usual, that he was probably right in wanting to retire Grasper when he did. We were reigning supreme at the top of the charts, except for the times when Bad Luck managed to knock us down a peg, but Nittle Grasper was still the king when it came to the Japanese market, and it made sense for Tohma to want to leave the music business without fizzling out and never being heard from again. Our farewell concert was also pretty spectacular too, and I don't think I've ever seen an audience look so happy or so sad all at once. There were people literally sobbing right in the front row. The audience was full of such raw emotion; it was nice to know that I could still move people after all these years with the gift of music alone. It was one of those moments that get burned into the underside of your eyelids for the rest of your life.

I knew for a fact that Tohma had every right for wanting to actually be present for all the important things that will come from having a baby, but that doesn't mean I felt any better about it. I was going to go from seeing Norkio and Tohma every day, to hardly seeing them at all, and since K was on permanent loan to Bad Luck… I was feeling pretty lonely. My feet got to walking once I left the club, and all of a sudden I was in front of Shuichi's apartment. Honestly, I don't even know how or why I got there, but I was feeling a little woozy and a lot cold, so I knocked on his door. I guess it was late, because I heard a little whimpering noise from inside, and then someone was coming to the door, but something fell over and there was cursing and a door opened and there was some whispered yelling, and then Eiri threw open the door in his pajama pants.

"What the hell are _you_ doing here?" he asked me with the same angry-tired eyes he always has.

I gave him a sunny smile. "Is Shuichi here?" I look closer and notice that his pants have little ducks on them. There was a sound from inside the apartment, and Shuichi poked his head out from behind Eiri.

"Sakuma-san?" he asked, mostly confused, but he also looked a little bit afraid of how Eiri was going to react.

I saw him and I couldn't resist, Eiri be damned. I pounced like a jackrabbit, only less likely to hump something. "Shuichi!!! We've missed you very much!" Eiri looked down at us, pinched his nose, looked heavenward, closed one door and slammed another. Shuichi detangled himself from me and turned on a dim light. I frowned. "Did Ryuichi and Kumagoro make Eiri very mad with Shu-chan?"

Shuichi yawned, like baby animals yawn, and rubbed at his eyes. I wanted to melt, but I settled for staying on the floor. "No," he replied. "Yuki's just… tired. I'm sure he'll be fine in the morning."

I smiled up at him. "But still perpetually grumpy?"

He smiled back. "Do you want to make popcorn or something? We can talk on the couch." I have to hand it to Shuichi; he's brilliant when he wants to be. About five minutes later we're covered in blankets and popcorn, mainly because we're messy and Yuki keeps his apartment like the crypt. Or better yet, like a museum. Don't touch anything, always chilly. Anyway, we just talk, for like, three hours, and he's really tired and I'm still kind of drunk, until he starts talking to me about show business. I like Shuichi because he understands a lot of the things that nobody else does. I mean, Tohma is wonderful in many, many different ways, but there are some things I just can't talk to him about. Like my relationships. Or sex. Or Shuichi and Eiri. And he can't talk to me about Mika because she's his wife, and I don't really get the things that go on between those two. Sometimes I wonder why they're married, but he gives her looks sometimes, and I get a little glimpse into the "Why," of it. I used to wonder about Tohma and Eiri, because Tohma is very close to him, which used to make me feel very funny inside, but then I found out about the evil Yuki who made Eiri sad, so I understand why Tohma feels so protective. I mean, Eiri is like his little brother, and if I had a little brother who was once like liquid sunshine, and somebody made him like that, I'd probably be upset for a very long time, like Tohma is. I've never felt quite right about the way Tohma and Eiri treat Shuichi, but there's little I can do to change how they feel, and I think that Eiri really does love him, but he's scared.

I know what it's like to be scared of being in love with somebody. See, when I was little, I lived near a toy store. I wasn't the richest kid in the whole world, not like I am now, so I'd go in and I pick up toys, and I wanted them so badly that I'd cry and scream for my parents to get them for me, but they just couldn't afford it. After a while, I stopped picking up toys, because that way I wouldn't have to love them. I guess I'll always love everything I touch, so it's hard to deal with people. When I met Tohma, it was the same. Every time I touched his shoulder, or took his hand, I got a little thrill from it. After we got to know each other really well, I used to give him hugs and sometimes, if nobody was looking, little kisses. I don't know when it happened, but I fell in love with him, and he was mine. I never told him because I would just die if I never saw him again, so when he met Mika…

I like Mika; I really do, because she is a wonderful person. It's just that, well, I kind of hate her sometimes. Tohma stopped being there for me all the time, so I started doing things. Bad things. Things that made Tohma cry, which I've only ever seen happen twice, so they were really, really bad. I finally told Tohma that I loved him, and he told me that he'd always love me too, but I couldn't have him to keep forever because it was selfish, and because our relationship didn't work that way. It hurt a lot, but then he gave me Kumagoro. It was his way of telling me that when he couldn't be by my side, at least I'd have someone who was. After a while, I figured out that it wasn't so much that I was in love with Tohma, but that I had somebody who belonged to me. That was about the time that Noriko joined up with Nittle Grasper, so…

I hurt her. I think I broke her heart. From the moment I first pounced on her and gave her a big hug, I wanted to keep her, except, well, I think she liked me too. Really, really liked me. So we flirted with each other for a while, and then she kissed me, and I kissed her, and all of a sudden we were in a relationship and I- I didn't want her anymore. I knew she was mine, so I… Don't misunderstand, I love Nori-chan, and I will always love Nori-chan, but she's like my big sister, looking out for me and fully prepared to hit me on the head and keep me on track. Actually, she's like everybody's big sister, from the way I've seen her act around other people, especially Shuichi. But I broke up with her, and because it's me, I did it in the most backward and garbled way possible, and I made her cry. A lot. Grasper didn't rehearse for months, until she just showed up one day, hit me hard in the face, and said, "Let's play." I think Noriko is the strongest person I know, and I'm very glad we stayed friends. It would have hurt more if we hadn't, physically or otherwise.

After what happened to Noriko, I didn't want to make people feel the way I'd made her feel, and by then Nittle Grasper was huge, so it wasn't hard to stop attaching myself to people. If I ever got lonely, even though we were always on the road so I had my two best friends to talk to, when I felt like it I could usually just go out and pick someone up. It was kind of nice, actually, and once I figured out how, exactly, you're supposed to go about having sex, I started doing it all the time. It was fun. I used to see how many phone numbers I could get a night, and Tohma and I would compare notes. After a while, Noriko got in on it too, well, at least after she yelled at us for being "misogynistic pigs," which I have yet to figure out the meaning of. Actually, once Nori got in on the game, when she was finally persuaded that getting people's phone numbers is both harmless and hilarious at the same time, she turned out to be the reigning champion. Though, to be fair, Tohma and I are severely lacking in the "huge pair of knockers" department, so I still think that she should get points deducted for being a hot girl in rooms full of sleazy, horny men.

Suffice to say I've been around the block more than once. Okay, a lot more, but only Kumagoro is counting and that's because he can be downright pervy when he puts his mind to it. Besides, it's a little bit hard to resist sex when people throw it at you like parade candy. I guess that's just the way fame goes though, people just assume that by sleeping with you they've suddenly got something to be proud of. After a while of being chased after by phonies, it's kind of refreshing to meet real people with genuine aspirations and intentions. Which is where Shuichi comes in, I suppose.

So there I was, sitting on his floor, when he suddenly starts asking me about how I'm doing. I mean, we'd talked about Yuki for a while, because he's pretty much the only thing Shuichi talks about, so I was surprised when the conversation was suddenly all about me. "Sakuma-san? I was wondering," he said, fiddling with the tab on his soda.

"Yeah?" I slurred with a sideways smile.

"Um, well, I was wondering if you had anybody. I mean, like I have Yuki. Because I'm sure you have parents and relatives and friends and adoring fans and- and- Well, everyone just likes you, because, well, you're Ryuichi, but umm, don't you… it's just, don't you ever get lonely? Because, I mean, well, sometimes it's… hard. For me, anyway. Especially when Yuki's working and Hiro's with Ayaka, and there's just no talking to Suguru about private things because that would be really weird, but, you understand what I'm saying, right? Who do you talk to when you can't talk to anyone else?"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if there was anything I could say, because, well, it had never really occurred to me that I was actually alone. I mean, Kumagoro is wonderful company when I'm feeling really low, but he's just not the same as having a real, warm, feeling person right in front of you. In fact, I don't know if I've ever had someone like that. I'm Sakuma Ryuichi, a god amongst mortals; I have people throwing themselves at me left and right, bowing down to be so lucky as to gain my attention for five minutes. But I… I'm kind of lonely. I have friends, I have casual sex, but nobody ever wants to stay with me. I don't have anyone to wake up next to, or to watch drift off to sleep, or the thousand other things I've never been able to do because that would constitute a relationship, and I'm not allowed to have those. I can't bring people home to keep because I'll get bored and throw them away. But I want to. I've never wanted anything more than that. Someone to come home to. There is only so many nights that I can take making dinner for one before I do something drastic. I just want to be able to touch someone and love them and keep them as my own forever, not as an ornament, but as someone who will do me the same kindness.

I don't exactly know when I started crying, but suddenly I was sobbing into Shuichi's shoulder, practically chanting, "Nobody loves me, nobody cares" into his newly dampened nightshirt. He wrapped his arms around me, and then he started crying because I was, and we simultaneously told each other our sob stories about how we both felt so neglected and alone. I have to admit, it was kind of pathetic on both of our parts, but it's comforting to find someone who knows just how you feel. I guess we both needed to let out some of the stuff we were holding in, and by the time Shuichi and I finished off a box and a half of tissues we were both feeling better, though a bit embarrassed. I sniffled once, and started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation, and before I knew it Shuichi and I were both rolling on the floor in hysterics. It was one of those laughs where it's just so funny that you laugh more than you breathe and your stomach hurts from the effort, and no matter how hard you try you just can't calm down. Usually only Noriko can make me laugh that way; after all, Tohma's still Tohma, and his jokes are way too serious and grown up for my taste. Tohma laughs the same way, gloved hand in front of his mouth, making little chuckling noises because he's way too dignified to laugh so hard he throws up a little.

That's about when Shuichi started tickling me. It was fun because I could tickle back, and we ended up half-wrestling on the floor, but before he knew what was happening I'd managed to pin him. We were both breathing hard, and he was still laughing, but all of a sudden it was like all thought had escaped me. His eyes are so big, and they're lovely and soft around the edges, and the color is like nothing I've ever seen before. All at once it's like dark blue glass and raspberry sherbet, swirls of the oddest purples and blues I've ever seen before. His eyelashes are long and graceful, and when you're up close you can practically hear the way the air moves through them, like sweeping aside a sheer curtain. His hair is soft; I expected it to be brittle and have split ends from the dye he uses, but that's just not the case. It feels like those few wisps of hair that babies get, downy and soft, and I briefly wonder what shampoo he uses. He smells like peonies, and for some reason I think of daisies even though I know from experience that daisies smell terrible, and they're two completely different plants. I think I associate him with daisies because they're clean and fresh and white in the midst of all the more elaborate plants, and even though they seem common they aren't. And daisies are always bright and sunny and ready to face the day, enthusiastic and cheerful and open to the sunlight. My eyes briefly wander to his lips; he's still panting, and he giggles nervously while I watch his tongue dart out of his mouth and trace the outside of them slowly.

"Sakuma san?" he asks, louder than I expected.

I can't stop watching his mouth. It's moving now, and I can see the pretty white rows of teeth behind his lips, and his tiny, wet, deft little tongue talking words at me from right behind them.

"Ummm, Ryuichi? Are you okay?"

I realize what I'm doing with a start, and jump off of him like he's on fire. Which gives me plenty of time to give him a once-over. I really didn't intend to check him out, it was just that, well, he stood up, and I was at just the right level to see all the good stuff. And yes, _all_ of it was good. I find it funny that I hadn't noticed how attractive he was until right then, though I suppose that's the way it goes with your friends, right? I mean, sure, you know what they look like, but you never _really_ look at them. And for once I was really looking at him and well, I liked what I saw. He's thin, thinner than most people, but he's thin in a fitting way. His arms are long, but still muscular, and he's got beautiful fingers. His chest isn't overly defined, at least from what I could tell through his shirt, but he's not in the least bit chubby. He straddles the line between having obvious muscles and not having any at all, and it looks pleasing and just… right for him. His knees are kind of knobby, but his legs are still shapely and almost pretty, and you can barely notice the fine blonde hairs all over them. His hips sway like a dancer's, and you can see the little bones jutting out just above his waistline, and his ass…

"Sakuma san, do you mind if I go and grab you some pajamas?"

Oh crap, I'm staring at his ass. His firm, lovely little- nonono, alright Ryuichi, you need to find something else to-

"Ryuichi?"

Oh CRAP I'm staring at his crotch. I can't **stop**. It's like… magnetic or something. My eyes are just _glued_ to the space between his legs, and if I don't quit **staring** at it, then he's going to notice. But… if I look away too soon, he'll notice then, so what the _hell_ am I supposed to do?!

I look up. "Hey, Shuichi?" I want to go back to looking at his crotch, but I manage to control myself.

"Yeah?" he asks, puzzled and obviously tired. I wonder if he has to work the next day. I also wonder what color underwear he's wearing. Mine are blue.

"You know what?" _Look at it. Come on, you know you want to. Maybe you could ask him. But what if he doesn't **wear** any. _

"What?" _Oh God, now you HAVE to ask him. I can't imagine having any space for underwear in those tight little numbers he's always wearing. Come on, ask him. Ask him if he's wearing underwear._

"Ummm, are you, are you, are you aware that you can put different things for your eye color on driver's license applications?" I blurt out, tongue suddenly feeling far too large for my mouth.

"What?" he asks, genuinely puzzled.

"Well," I reply. "It's just that your eyes are so different, you'd have to put something other than blue or brown or green on your application. I think they even have spots where you can put down pink or purple or orange, but yours are…" _Underwear_. "Yours are…"_Maybe even a thong_. "Different." I finish, relieved and disappointed all at once.

He blinks a few times before answering. "I guess I never really thought about it." He starts to laugh again, probably because I'm so completely off topic, and I join in and we just stay there like that. Or at least we do until we hear the bathroom door slam, and we realize that we're being really loud for four in the morning.

"We should probably go to bed." Shuichi whispers, aware of the time.

I nod, but that doesn't mean I want to. I would much rather continue ignoring Eiri's existence and continue talking to Shuichi. Because at least I actually talk to him, right? And I'm nice to him, and he idolizes me, and we have so much in common that it's crazy that we're not-

No. I am NOT going to do this. Not to Shuichi. Shuichi, my friend. Who is involved. Involved with an emotionally damaged fruit and nut bar who just so happens to be the favorite of the fruit and nut bar who happens to be my best friend in the whole world. I can't do this, I really can't do this.

Shuichi leaves to get some nightclothes, and when he returns he's wearing skimpy little shorts and a loose tank top. So loose, in fact, that the neckline dips down, giving me a full view of his perky little nipple. I bite my lip. Hard.

"What are you doing?" he asks as I pile blankets on the floor, fully prepared to sleep there.

"I'm making a nest for Kumagoro and I." I reply nervously.

"Don't you want to sleep with me?" _Yes. Oh God yes. Repeatedly._ "It's way cold in here, and besides, whenever I wake up on the floor my back hurts like heck, and the couch is big enough for both of us to sleep on."

Two logical arguments, and I can't think of a way to say no without hurting his feelings. Because I'm pretty sure "I don't want to cuddle with you because I'm afraid I'll get an erection" isn't the excuse he really wants to hear with his boyfriend in the next room. Plus I'm his _friend_. Hell, I'm his _mentor_! And all he wants is some platonic comfort from someone who cares. Who is, at the moment, me. I don't even know why I'm thinking about things like this right now! I've never even considered Shuichi as anything other than someone who's completely huggable, in the same way I regard Tohma or Noriko. Or Kumagoro, for that matter. It's completely beyond me exactly why I've suddenly gone into a Shuichi-induced heat, but I have, so being the brilliant handler of situations that I am, I agree to spend the night with him on the couch.

It's hot, and he falls asleep snuggled into my chest, and I just lay there waiting for my hangover to kick in, watching him. He's cute; his lips do this pouty thing and he looks like he's deep in thought, and his brow gets all furrowed and he makes little noises. I'd laugh if it weren't turning me on. Well, okay, it's not so much that the way he sleeps is turning me on, because that would be weird, but just the fact that it's him and he's right next to me and… I want him. I want him, and I know I can't have him, so I just hold him in my arms for the whole night, because it's all I have.

Morning comes and I haven't slept, and he wakes up like a kitten, looking confused and slightly irked that someone had the gall to move him. It was me, actually, because my hand went numb about an hour ago and it was starting to hurt, but the pain was totally worth it. I briefly wonder if Eiri's seen us, because my whole world seems to have focused onto Shuichi so I really can't tell if he's up or not. I inhale deeply, and Shuichi nuzzles my chest and mumbles something. My breath hitches, but he probably just assumes that I was surprised, so he pulls away and gives me a smile.

"Sleep good?" he slurs. I love his morning voice.

"Yeah. Great. Kumagoro too." I lie, and for some reason I feel bad about it. I don't like lying to him.

"Good," he murmurs softly, before he gives a cute, high pitched little yawn, and stretches, his shirt riding up to the point that I can see his belly button. Then he gets up before I can convince him to stay with me a little longer, and he wanders in the direction of the fresh cigarette smoke. Which in this case, was the kitchen. I rub at my temples, my headache suddenly in full swing, and I hear soft talking from the kitchen. Shuichi's giggling, and I can hear Eiri's low drawl, but before long Shuichi leans up against the door.

"D'you want breakfast? Yuki just made some and-" he stops, and a long arm wraps around his middle, as Eiri makes his appearance. He whispers something into Shuichi's ear, and starts planting kisses along his neck, but the whole time his gaze is directed at me. "and you can stay if you want. Do you like scrambled eggs?"

I smile, grabbing Kumagoro from where he's resting on the couch. "No thanks, Kuma-chan and I have a big day today, so we will grab a breakfast at Tohma's." _Another lie. Perfect._

"Sure you don't want to stay? There's only enough for two, but I can make one for you." Yuki says, but his grip around Shuichi tightens. I'm insanely jealous, which is what he's trying to invoke I'm sure, because since when is Eiri ever hospitable to guests? Geeze, he's less hospitable and more hostile. I stretch like I'm five years old, arms all the way out and very loud, before I give him a smile that says "I know what you're doing, but I won't let it get to me."

"Sorry, like I said, Tohma's expecting me, so I really should run. I don't want to stress him out, what with the baby on it's way an' all."

We say our goodbyes just like that, and I feel so fake I have the urge to shower. To add insult to injury, I can practically hear Shuichi gushing over how Eiri actually displayed some affection for once, so they're undoubtedly having sex the moment I leave the room. I sigh, and go to put my hands in my pockets when I suddenly realize that I'm wearing pajama pants that probably belong to Eiri. I shrug. _Serves him right for rubbing it in my face._

I find myself in many, many bars after that particular incident, mainly because I just want to get drunk enough to have an excuse to spend the night with Shuichi. Yeah, he's always blessedly unaware of the fact that I want to have my way with him, but that makes conversation much easier. Well, when I remember what we're talking about. After about a month of that, I was at this really seedy bar and the kid next to me sits down, so I buy him a drink out of politeness. That's when I realize that he's sporting the Shuichi look, and since I'm completely intoxicated he looks an awful lot like the real thing. We end up talking, at which point I discover that he's, well, a prostitute. And hey, I've got plenty of money to throw around, so, well, one thing leads to another, and another, and another…

Okay, so I'm not exactly proud of the fact that I pick up prostitutes based solely on how much they look like Shuichi, but I have a lot of free time and easy money on my hands, so I figure, why not? Yeah, I can't exactly look Kumagoro, or Shuichi for that matter, in the eyes anymore, but at least I'm not enough of a scumbag to seduce someone who's involved in a fairly steady, well-established relationship. After the first three, it was pretty easy to find people who looked like him, and if I gave them enough money, they'd shut up quite nicely. Plus I've always been encouraged to play pretend, and I guess they'll do pretty much whatever you ask them to. Anyway, about two months ago I'd found an absolutely gorgeous pink haired little waif a few blocks from my house, and so I discretely propositioned him. Pity he was an undercover cop, though really, I don't know how effective he was. He was really thin for a cop, and I got to spend a good ten minutes talking to him about how difficult it must be to be his size and on the force. Actually, I was pretty wasted, so I guess I propositioned him a couple more times before I was put in a cell. They let me off with a fine, mainly because of Tohma, though I was drinking and driving along with my attempted debauchery, so it could have been worse.

And then there's tonight's little excursion. Well, this time I wasn't stupid enough to drive, especially since Tohma took the liberty of showing me a bunch of those sad, yet most decidedly gross accident videos. I was clubbing, and I ran into this adorable kid completely by accident, except he was a blonde and I just don't _do_ blondes, so after a few drinks I told him I'd take him home if he either dyed his hair or bought a wig. So about ten minutes later we found a costume shop, and he put on the wig and I bought a bunch of novelty crap, and, um… I kind of couldn't wait until we got back to my place, so…

The people who owned the costume shop were not at all pleased to have two guys fucking like bunnies up against the wall of their establishment. Though, to be fair, it wasn't like it was in broad daylight. I feel a little bit guilty for the hooker though; when the police came and arrested us, I didn't get to pay him. And so here I sit, waiting for Tohma to come and pick me up so that I can find a nicer place to pee.

I hear his boots before I see him; he's got these steel toed boots that make a heavier tapping sound than any other shoes I've ever heard, so I just know when he's coming. I give him as pathetic a look as I can muster, and he sighs and looks toward the ceiling.

"So," he says, looking at me with his "We're going to talk. And it's not going to be pleasant," looks. "How, exactly, are you going to make this up to me?"


	2. 02

Welcome to the second installment of "Narcissism." Which, in fact, has nothing to do with Narcissism as of right now. But I'm working on it. I'd like to thank those who've reviewed so far, because your comments and complaints are what keep me writing, working to do better and go farther than ever before. I'd also like to thank the people who just read and don't review, because I do that all the time and feel guilty about it. So don't feel guilty. In any case. Happy Holidays regardless of your faith, because technically every day's a holiday somewhere. But I'll shut up now, because I'm babbling. Oh, and Happy New Year. Unless your New Year falls on a different day. Then it can be in advance. Anyway, on with this circus act.

Chapter 2

It was a very quiet ride back to my apartment. See, Tohma does this thing where he'll ask you a question, and then he'll leave you to ponder the answer and get really nervous about what he's going to do. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that your imagination can come up with punishments that are far more unpleasant than what he actually plans on doing, so while you're stewing away, the fear gradually building up, he'll just sit there and occasionally glance at you to psyche you out. Fortunately for me, I know Tohma very well, and since I know he's just trying to get me to feel bad about myself I spend most of the ride staring out my window and trying not to relate random things to Shuichi. I've got a bit of a headache by now, so the respite from talking loudly is nice, though probably not what Tohma intended. Finally he pulls up to my complex and puts the car in park _And here it comes._

"Ryuichi," he says, in a voice that's neither neither stern nor kind, which is a very Tohma thing to do.

I give him a weak smile. "Is it bedtime already? Kumagoro and I thank you very much for all you help, but it's very late so we want Tohma to get to bed too okay? Bye-bye!"

He puts the child locks on the door, and once I realize that they don't work, I start pushing the button for the window. Except it only goes down halfway and I can't fit through properly, and then Tohma gives me another look and I feel downright awful, so I quit fidgeting and listen to what he has to say. _Stupid childproofing_.

"Ryuichi, this ends now."

I make a face. "Says who? You're not around to baby-sit me anymore, so Kumagoro and I can do whatever we want to."

His face changes from the cold mask of authority to something few have seen and lived to tell about. It's still Tohma, but his features are contorted in rage and he looks like he's going to hit me.

"I'm not around to _baby-sit_ you. _I'm_ not around to _baby-sit_ you. How _dare_ you. How **_dare_** you blame me for wanting a life outside NG. For wanting to keep Mika safe and happy while she's pregnant. For wanting to see her along every step of the way. She's my _wife_, Ryuichi. I married her, not for my parents, not for the Eiri's sake, not for any reason other than the fact that, despite what I'm certain everyone thinks, I actually have feelings for her. So the fact that you're trying to pin the blame for your whole situation on me just shows what a selfish little kid you are."

I want to respond in my own defense, but Tohma's never outright yelled at me before, so I just sit there like a moron and try and think of something intelligent to say, which is difficult. When I have the courage to look back up at his face in the rear-view mirror, his anger has dissipated and he merely holds my gaze, his eyes cold, and most decidedly un-amused with my more recent antics.

"You know what else, Ryuichi? We're not eighteen anymore. And it's really sad that you still need babysitting, even after all this time. I've been watching out for you since we were kids, waiting for the day that you'd grow up and leave the Goddamn nest, but here you are, drunk and disoriented in the back of my car. And you're only here because I took pity on you after you got picked up by the cops for dressing a prostitute up like one of my employees. You are thirty-five years old. Get out and grow up."

"I thought we were supposed to be friends," I yelled from the backseat, head throbbing like crazy. "I thought you valued my friendship over everything else!"

"I could say the same to you. At least I'm not a clingy, overemotional alcoholic. Get a life, Ryuichi. I don't have to be around you all the time, so quit trying to make me feel bad just because you can't get anyone to stick around after they sleep with you."

Okay, that one just hurt. That was probably the point where I started crying, as I pried at the locking mechanism, and Tohma sat, stony-faced, in the front seat, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. I finally managed to get the stupid thing to pop up, and then I half ran out of the car, only to stumble and hit the pavement like a jackass. I briefly hoped that Tohma saw that and felt very bad about what he said, but all I could hear was the screech of tires as he sped off into the distance. I made my way up to my apartment feeling pathetic and worn, and I fumbled with my keys until I finally found the one that fit my door.

My apartment is one of those luxury places that have expensive furniture and oddly shaped sculpture that some moron who took eight years of interior design threw up his ideas all over. It's retro-chic, or some garbage like that, and with the exception of the few personal items I brought with me when I moved in, I pretty much hate everything in it. But at least this way, when I trip and break stuff, I don't feel bad about it. I walked in and made my way to the bathroom, where I promptly spent the remainder of the morning throwing up. Once my stomach had settled, which it had to do on it's own because Noriko confiscated all of my pills the last time she was here, I crawled into the bathtub and poured as much bubble bath as I could into it. Once the tub was full, I sort of just sat there, wrinkling and playing with my battleships, trying to figure out what I was going to do.

_I could see Shuichi when he wakes up, or maybe sometime this evening, or maybe I could pick him up and we could do something! _Kumagoro gives me a stern look, and I think that maybe it's not such a good idea to see Shuichi this soon after one of my little… trysts. I sigh and close my eyes, but he's all I can think of, so I slide my head underwater and try to drown out my stupid thoughts. I like water, actually. It's one of the few places where everything is calm and silent and warm and you don't have to think of anything at all. I can stick my nose just above the water line so that I don't suffocate, but after a few too many tries at it I eventually get water up my nose and feel very embarrassed even though nobody's around. I lean back on a bath pillow and stick my feet out of the tub, because from my point of view, they don't look like mine, and it's kind of fun to watch them wriggle. The bath pillow is soft, and the tub is just the right temperature, so I close my eyes and inhale deeply, enjoying the soft scent of peonies.

I wake up hours later, when the phone starts ringing right next to my ear, and I turn over in confusion, only to suck about a pint of water into my lungs. Sputtering like an idiot, I stand up and stumble into the countertop, and clutching where I'm certain I just bruised my ribs, I pick up the phone. "Hello?" I say, hating how scratchy and high pitched my voice sounds.

"Sakuma san. It's Eiri."

I slip on the wet floor and smack my head against the countertop, dropping the phone. After I come to a few moments later, I peel my wet skin off the floor and snatch the phone. "Hello Eiri! How are you? Is Shuichi okay, because normally you don't call me and I'm just wondering if he's okay or if something happened to him because I worry about him you know." _Smooth. He'll never suspect a thing. Idiot!_

"Shuichi's fine. He just wanted me to invite you to lunch today. He called you before he left, but you weren't available," he drawls with his usual air of apathy.

I curse myself for missing a chance to talk with him, at which point I realize that it's really sad that I wait around for his phone calls like a teenage girl. "Oh, yeah? I was busy this morning. With Tohma." Aah Tohma, the perfect alibi.

"See, now that's odd, because I just spent the morning with Tohma, and I didn't see you there."

Shitshitshit!! Stupid Tohma! Stupid Eiri for being so perceptive! "I didn't mean with him, with him. I was just doing something for him." _Please, please buy it._

"Yeah, he pulls that card on a lot of people. When should I tell the brat that you'll be coming?"

_Thank all that's holy that he bought it. _"Oh, is noonish okay?"

"It's two in the afternoon, Sakuma san."

"I know that. Noonish is from 11 to three." _Damnit_.

"Aah. He'll see you at three then?"

"Yeah. Sure. I'll be there." I hang up the phone and sigh, cursing my lack of social skills outside of being pretty to look at. I glance at the clock and realize that I've only got 45 minutes to get ready, at which point I go to take off my clothes and change. Or I would have, but I was reminded by Kumagoro that I'm sitting on the floor of my bathroom, covered in tepid water, completely naked. Oh.

I make a quick change into an outfit that's especially sexy and leaves little to the imagination, before I catch a taxi to Shuichi's apartment complex. One of the only things I like about Shuichi's apartment building is that it's not in the middle of the city, but it's not on the outskirts either, so you have more privacy but can still go places. However, it's still almost as bare as my apartment, so it has very little personality. How like Eiri. I also hate the fact that it's about forty degrees below zero, a little fact that I overlooked when I was getting dressed this morning. Afternoon. Whatever. I knock on the door and strike a pose that I hope is cute and drool-worthy at the same time, but I'm disappointed when Eiri comes to the door first, coat in hand.

He gives me a look and raises his eyebrow, but he says nothing about the outfit. "We're meeting Shuichi at a place across town. Did I forget to mention that?"

I give him a blinding smile in an attempt to conceal my resentment. "Oh, it must have slipped your mind. I forgive you though, since you're a friend of Tohma's." _Backstabbing Tohma, who you're not talking to until he apologizes_. "Plus you're always just so busy with your writing I guess you can't be blamed for being negligent." _Score one for me. I wonder if he knows I just insulted him?_

"Hn," he replies, giving me a look that's debating whether or not I'm smart or sane enough to have insulted the great Yuki Eiri. "Should I drive, or do you want to?"

I nearly wet my pants, wondering if he's already talked to Tohma about my little outings. "Feel free to drive, Eiri. Kumagoro and I will help you count the pedestrians you attempt to run over, or have you gotten tired of that game?" _Here's to hoping that distracted him from my driving privileges._

He looks surprised, and gives me a smile that could freeze sunshine. "Sadly, I had to give up that game, what with having to deal with the consequences of having to bring a prospective casualty home. What ever would I do if I ended up with another Shuichi on my hands? Besides, you don't go out walking when I'm out driving, so what's the point? Ready to go, Sakuma-san?" He opens the door and gives me a little push through it, which could be written off as accidental if I didn't know that every one of his movements is finely calculated to make you feel as intimidated as possible. I follow him, remembering at the last minute to swing my arms, smile wide and put a little skip in my step. _Like hell I'm going to let you phase me, Eiri._

We arrive at the restaurant without incident, which is kind of funny considering that Yuki Eiri drives like a psychopath. Well, actually, I'm not really sure how he drives. He has no regard for traffic lights and ignores most signs, and I'm not certain he knows that speed limits exist, but it's pretty obvious that he's damn good with that foreign monstrosity of his, or else he'd be dead by now. I'm also pretty impressed by the fact that the car's in pristine condition, but that could only be due to his high regard for all things cold, unfeeling, and mechanical. I think for a moment that if Yuki Eiri'd been having an affair with anything, it would more likely be his car or his computer than any living person. After all, he spends more time with them than he does with even Shuichi, and from where I stand he takes better care of them to boot.

The restaurant's a pretty swanky place, all delicate and expensive, and I know at once that Shuichi obviously didn't pick out where we were going to eat. It's… bland, and colorless, and only stuck-up pricks with too much money on their hands would ever set foot there. _I'll bet Eiri picked it, and Shu-chan just went along like he always does._ But at least I was going to get to eat lunch with my favorite person, and that counts for something.

We sit down in a small booth in the back and Eiri opens his menu, turning directly to the "drinks" page. I look over what food they have to offer and wonder briefly if they'll get me some crayons and a kid's menu, because I can't even pronounce half of this shit, and the other half is derived from places on animals that I'd rather not know about. It's kind of funny when you think about it. Food aficionados turn their noses up at the thought of eating hot dogs, but they'll pay good money for miscellaneous animal parts if you slap a funny name on them and jack up the price. I remember at that point that Kuma-chan has a special compartment in case of a crayon emergency, and so I spend five minutes drawing pretty pictures all over the overly tasseled menu. And tablecloth. And some of the leather seating. Eiri looks up from his own menu and gives me a withering look, before turning his eyes down to study the "drinks" list again.

"Despite the fact that I get no end of amusement from all the money you're costing the elitist bastards that run this place, you might want to cut that out before the waiter gets back." I was unaware that his voice could be blander than it already is, but I can practically feel my cells being drained of their water for how very dry our conversation has become. The waiter finally makes his appearance, and I'm shocked that he can talk, what with his head up his posterior with his chance to serve _the_ Yuki Eiri.

"I'll have a Guinness, and the spaz will have a chocolate milk," he says, interrupting the waiter before he can speak, and sending him away before I can order myself some hardcore booze. _Jerk._

I give him a smile and speak before I can catch myself. "I'm sorry Eiri-chan, but since we're not out on an official date, maybe I should be ordering for myself."

He gives me one of his patented "you are a moron unworthy of my time or breathing space" looks, and then goes back to his menu.

_Maybe his has the comics in it, because my menu sure isn't as interesting as his is. _

I stare into space as the minutes crawl by, and the waiter returns with our drinks a few moments later. I'm about to ask him for something fizzy and full of alcohol when I'm interrupted by Eiri, yet again.

"I'll be having the duck. Get him a plate of chicken fingers and French fries, and if I hear a word out of you I'll gut you myself."

"Extra ketchup!" I cry, waving, as the man half-runs from our table, order in hand. Which brings me to a new revelation.

"Isn't it kind of rude to order before Shuichi gets here?" I ask, fiddling with my wine glass full of chocolate milk and wishing I had a straw. What's the point of chocolate milk if you can't blow bubbles?

"Shuichi's not coming," he replies monotonously.

I blink in disbelief. "What? But you said he was-"

"I _lied_, you under-schooled idiot. Didn't anyone ever _lie_ to you before, or are lies too good for the mighty Ryuichi Sakuma?"

I glare at him and fold my hands. "What? Do you think I'm going to cry because Yuki Eiri broke his word? Why get upset over something that must happen on a daily basis."

He grins like a shark, and I wonder briefly if Tohma taught him that look. "Aah, but Sakuma-san, my skill at deceit and treachery is no match for yours, now is it?"

I bat my eyelashes at him. "Why whatever do you mean, Eiri-chan? I'm often complimented on my purity."

He sips his drink. "Only by those who don't know you. Though, it's to be said that very few do. And even fewer understand your motives."

I smile coyly. "The mystery is part of the allure of the package, Mr. Romance-Novelist. Now, perhaps we should cut the cryptic garbage and actually get to the point of this little luncheon."

"I quite agree, Mr. Pop-star. I've brought you here today to inquire as to why you're sleeping with whores that are all prettied up to look like my Shuichi, but I suppose I was going to be a bit more subtle about it, as I was _so_ enjoying our witty banter."

_Shit._

"Been talking to Tohma lately, haven't we Eiri-chan? And if I have?" I smile at him like a pretty doll, waiting for his reaction.

He gives me a calculating look. "I'd ask you why, but I'd prefer not to delve into that train-wreck of a brain of yours. I'll simply state my purpose here. I don't want you anywhere near him."

"Eiri-chan, I'm hurt. You're not afraid of a little competition, are you?" I ever so slowly circle my finger on the outside of the wine glass, a high-pitched hum just barely reaching my ears.

He looks me in the eyes, blonde bangs falling forward. "There's no reason to fear you as competition, Sakuma-san. Shuichi's too far beyond where your grubby little hands can clutch at him."

"At least my hands are only grubby, compared to the bloodstained ones that clutch at him now," I hiss, eyes narrowing.

"So you would try for his affection then, even though he's-" _with me. Say it. "Because he's with me." If you could just admit it for once, you cold, unfeeling thing, if you would just tell me that he's off limits, maybe I'd take you seriously. Because maybe I'd understand that there's some shred of humanity in there that deserves his affection._

"-involved in a relationship." _Forget it then. You don't deserve him._

"I suppose that depends more on him, doesn't it? Or are you unused to seeing someone put other people's feelings in front of his own? I'll take him if he wants to be taken."

He shakes his head, and our food arrives. I feel childish, because his meal is so much more grown up than mine, but it can't be helped and I'm not about to let him get the better of me. We pick at our food in silence until he speaks again.

"You don't love him, Sakuma-san. You know you don't. And every time you look at him, every time you touch him, every time his eyes meet yours, you'll know." He stands up, food unfinished. "Because you're a selfish creature, Sakuma-san. We all know it. You're so far above everything that you'll clutch at anything that looks like your lost humanity. And call me a hypocrite if you want, but if you hurt him, I will find you." He looks me in the eyes one last time, his seriousness startling, before he places two bills down on the table and turns neatly on his heel, walking away.

I clench my fists, and my stomach turns, frustration and anger and sadness and a feeling that I can't name welling up in my chest and making it hard to breathe. _How does he have the gall to pretend to know who I am?! What right do any of them have to think that they have any idea what goes on in my life? Tohma, Noriko, even Yuki Eiri, all meddlers, all of them! They don't have a clue what it's like to be Ryuichi Sakuma. They-_

I can't think anymore. I just _can't_.I just start to see colors, reds and dark purples, and I want to do **something**, so I do. Grabbing Eiri's knife from his half-eaten plate of food, I stab it deeply into the leather interior of the booth, rending my name crudely into this bovine symbol of privilege and superiority. I dump my chicken fingers into a bag that Kumagoro had, and toss the knife across the room, where it makes that silvery ringing noise across the tile of the restaurant. Our waiter walks over timidly, as does what looks like the owner of the restaurant, so I traipse over to them like everything's fine and hand them the card being held between my index and middle fingers, which gives them my name and phone number, before I calmly tell them to "Charge it to my bill." Leaving everyone in the place gaping, I walk out, Kumagoro under one arm and a hand in my pocket, looking casual.

_I want to see Shuichi._

_I need to see Shuichi right now. _

_I wonder what he's doing._

I pause, suddenly very afraid.

_Eiri's going to tell Shuichi. He's going to tell him all about what I've been doing and Eiri will take him away from me and I'll never see him again. _

Before my brain can catch up with my feet, I'm running harder than I ever have in my entire life along a route that I know by heart. I used to take this road weightlessly, and suddenly my younger years seem so far away, and far less complicated, but I suppose that's the price of growing up. Not to say that I have, but it seems as you go along things just unravel and tangle and all of a sudden you're left with Gordian's knot, and you can't even cheat your way through it. All I know is that I can't _not_ see him anymore, because it seems like he's all I can see.

I skid to a halt in front of the NG building, though I half expected to be run over by a foreign car the moment I had it in my sights. I kept watch for any signs of Tohma related activity, but Kuma-chan and I were on high alert so we went into stealth mode. Though Tohma is unaware, Kuma-chan and I once played a game where we figured out every nook and cranny of the NG building, and exactly how the security system works, just so that one day we could surprise Tohma. It's a goal of mine, one of these days, to actually and genuinely surprise Tohma, because I think his face would look very nice if he could shake out the wrinkles, even if it was only one time. Except… we're mad at Tohma, so I guess we won't be surprising him any time soon.

I check the recording studio, and when I discover that nobody's there, I peek into that weird empty boardroom that they use to make important Bad Luck-y decisions. There, cowering in a corner with a gun to his head is my adorable fluffy Shu-chan.

Which is a misleading statement altogether. See, it's not his gun, it's K's, but that's not really the point now is it? I slip into the room unnoticed, and then settle myself behind K so that I can surprise him. Which I do.

"K!!!! I found you!" I pounce on him and knock him over, which earns me a surprised look from everyone, especially Shuichi, who has a bullet hole a few centimeters above his head, and is looking quite nervous.

"You were looking for me, Ryuichi?" K asks skeptically.

I give him a smile, and then a hug. "Always, K-san." I hold up Kumagoro. "A kiss for Mister Bear?"

K leans over and kisses Kuma-chan on the nose, and I squeal like a little girl because that's just what I do when K gives Kuma-chan a little lovin'. Shuichi is still cowering in the corner, and I note that Hiro is looking tired and Suguru is looking shocked that K gave my Kuma-chan a kissy on the nosie. I bounce up on my feet, before turning my attention to Shu-chan.

"Shuichi." I sit next to him on the floor and wrap my arms around his waist. "I want to do something with you tonight."

Hiro and Suguru look more than a little weirded out, but I don't pay attention to them because I'm nuzzling Shuichi's neck and he smells so good that I want to build a house on his shoulder and live there forever. _I could think of other places on Shuichi I would like to spend quality time with, too._

I smile when he hugs me back and starts babbling about all the stuff he wants to do with me too, and I'm relieved that he doesn't act any differently because I was worried that Eiri'd already gotten to him. Or Tohma for that matter, which makes me realize that I should get out of here before security sees me. Provided that Tohma's put me on his list, which wouldn't surprise me in the least. I grab Shuichi's hand and squeeze it affectionately.

"Let's go out dancing!" I suddenly burst out, interrupting him mid-sentence.

"Dancing? I, well, okay! I should probably call Yuki and tell him where I'm going, and-" he pauses, eyes suddenly filling with hopeful determination "maybe if I ask him reallyreally nice, he'll come with us! I mean, he probably won't dance or anything, but… at least he'll have taken me out, right?!"

I give him an adorable, insightful look, inwardly seething that he just _has_ to be thinking about that cold arrogant jerk at a time like this, when he _should_ be thinking about _me_. And about how he's going to get to dance with _the_ Ryuichi, his idol, and he should be overjoyed and not worried about- _Oh Jeeze is that really what I think? No, I just want to take him out and make him forget his troubles for a little while. It's nothing bad. I just want him to be happy, no matter what, and if inviting Eiri along is what it takes, then- _"Sure, if you think Eiri will come along with us, then it's perfectly okie dokie with me, na no da."

He frowns, fidgeting with his hands. "I guess it's kind of a stupid idea, huh? I mean, like Yuki would be caught dead hanging around with me in public." He laughs a little, but it's the kind of laugh that echoes with a tinge on the melancholy. "I mean, I can barely get him to hang out with me when we're at home, so…"

I hate this. The way Shuichi thinks he's not good enough for Eiri when the complete opposite is true. But I also hate that I can practically feel his loneliness, radiating off of him in waves. I hug him tighter. "Well we will just have to have enough fun for Eiri too, so that when you get home you'll have two helpings of fun stored inside you and you can share them with Mr. Grumpy-Romance-Novelist, right Shu-chan?"

He smiles, and my heart speeds up. "I guess so. And we'll make him so jealous that he'll be dying to come out with me next time."

_That's the plan, Shuichi, that's the plan._

We end up at one of my old nightspots, with glow sticks and glitter and all manner of creepy sexual diseases lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting victims. Okay, so I didn't take him to the most respectable place in town, but the booze is cheap and flows freely, plus I haven't been here for ages, so hopefully we won't start a riot. Well, unless we do it intentionally.

"Ryuichi!" he cries over the music. "Where are we?"

"In a nightclub, silly!" I cry back, pulling him through the crowd and up to the bar. In one of my moments of lucidity, I managed to convince Shuichi to go out clubbing with me directly after work, so we sort of "borrowed" a few things from NG's costume department. And successfully managed to avoid both Tohma and Eiri, which was quite a feat. It's funny, actually, I chose one of his costumes and he took one of mine, and now all I can think of is that he's wearing my clothes and they're going to smell just like him as soon as the night is over.

"But, well," he tries to ask me something, but I can't hear him because I'm ordering drinks from the scantily clad bartender. I get him something big and pink and fizzy, and he downs it like a pro, which makes me wonder how many nights he spends doing exactly this, when his cold novelist refuses to acknowledge him.

"Hey Shuichi!" I cry over the thumpa-thumpa of the speakers.

"Yeah?!" He yells back, somehow on his second drink.

"How many nights a week do you come clubbing?" I ask, but my voice is drowned out by the music.

"What?!" He yells in reply.

"Have you ever cheated on Yuki?!" I scream back.

"WHAT?!" He yells, this time louder.

"Do you want to sleep with me?!" I yell at the top of my lungs.

He shakes his head, pointing to his ears and mouthing "I can't hear you."

I give him a smile, before mouthing back "I love you."

He smiles back, and hugs me. "I love you too, Ryuichi." He looks up at me with his big eyes, looking ethereal in the twinkling lights from the dance floor. "Thank you," he mouths, and I look puzzled, before he leans up to my ear and says loudly "I was feeling really bad tonight, but you made me feel better. You're a good friend, Ryuichi."

_Ouch._

I'd wince if I could, but he's too close to me. "Want to dance," I ask, adding a half-hearted "no-da" to the end of it.

He nods, and we dance and drink and dance and drink and dance and drink, drink, drink, in precisely that order, until we're stumbling out of the club hours later, about twenty phone numbers apiece, laughing our heads off about nothing at all. I hold his hand tightly in mine because somehow I can hold my alcohol better than he can, and I'll lead us safely back to his apartment, because I want to keep him safe, even if it is simply to deliver him into the arms of his waiting Yuki.

He fumbles with the keys, and they make a jingly-jangly sound that reminds me of apple cider and whipped cream, except before he gets them into the door, Eiri throws it open. His hair looks messed up, and his eyes are bloodshot, and I figure out that it's about four in the morning, so I guess we disturbed his sleep cycle.

"Y-yuki?" Shuichi asks, his squeaky whisper making the fact that he's frightened pretty obvious.

"I was writing. I heard the elevator." He replies coldly.

"I- Yuki- I- We went-"

"Dancing." I interrupt smoothly. "And drinking. A lot of drinking." I give him a lazy smile. "And then I brought him home, to you, Mr. Romance-Novelist. Safe."

He looks back to Shuichi. "Will Sakuma-san be spending the night?" he asks, eyes narrowing at Shuichi.

Shuichi hiccups. "I- -hic- think so. If it's –hic- okay with you, Yuki. He's a little –hic- out of it, so… so…"

Shuichi passes out, then and there, stumbling into Eiri's arms and falling into a deep slumber. Yuki looks surprised and even a little bit embarrassed, but he doesn't even address me, instead scooping Shuichi up in his big arms and carrying him away, to their bedroom.

He comes back, eyes cold and wild again, before he stands in front of me. I grin up at him. "If I fall asleep, will you whisk me away like Cinderella and let me slumber away in your bed."

He raises an eyebrow. "There's nothing on earth that could get you into my bed, Sakuma-san."

"Owie." I reply. I fiddle with my cuff. "Nothing happened, so don't take it out on him."

He moves away from the wall, Eiri-language for "you can come in," before he lights up a cigarette and flops down on the couch. There are beer bottles everywhere and his ashtray is overflowing with cigarette butts, and I can see from his pocket that he's already delving into a new pack.

"Staying up late writing, huh?" I ask, amused and subdued all at once. I sit next to him without being asked.

He takes a drag. "As far as you're concerned, yeah." He pauses. "If you tell him, or Tohma for that matter, they'll never find your body."

I put my face in my hands. "They'd never believe me anyway," I drawl, drunk off my ass.

He inhales deeply, the end of his cigarette flaring up, and I wonder if that's one of the only warm things about him. "Sakuma-san, despite the fact that it grieves me to have actual interest, I have to know why."

"Why what?" I ask, dumbly.

"We both know an inebriated Shuichi is an uninhibited, rather pliant and… easily manipulated Shuichi. So why bring him home when he's there and just asking to be taken advantage of?"

I lean back, putting my feet up on his coffee table and wiggling my toes. "Because heavy drinking causes impotence." I reply nonchalantly.

He nearly chokes on his cigarette.

I blow my hair out of my face. "Because… I just can't be dishonest to him. And anything that would hurt you hurts him. It's kind of infuriating, actually. If he was anyone else, I would have done anything that was necessary to claim him, but… he just…"

"Inspires a stupid sense of chivalry and purity?" he asks, cigarette dangling from between him lips.

"Yeah." I reply. "Stupid chivalry and purity. Getting in the way of sex and lies and messed up relationships." I smile a little bit, and suddenly my feelings for Shuichi seem kind of far away.

He actually cracks a smile, albeit a tiny one, before finishing off his cigarette and crushing it in the ashtray, next to the rest. He stands up and goes to leave the room, but I stop him.

"Hey, what about me and Kuma-chan? Where will we sleep?"

He disappears into the darkness of his bedroom, and I wonder if I'm going to have to freeze in his museum/apartment, all alone on the couch.

A few moments later a thick comforter hits me in the head.


	3. 03

Goodness Me! It's Chapter Three already? Yeah, this story's coming along really slowly, but I blame it all on the cold medicine and TV. Again, Maki Murakami owns all that we cherish, and again, I still haven't gotten to the narcissism bit of it, but all in due time. To answer some questions, yes this is a chapter fic, and no, Yuki and Shuichi's relationship won't crumble because Shucihi is, by all rights, a sped, and Yuki's just a cold prick who really badly needs a mommy, but they belong together because they just do and that's that. Thank you again to my reviewers, and thank you for your kind words, despite the crazies out there who have vendettas against Gravitation angst. Special thanks to StrawberryPockyPoo who caught my tense error. It should be all better now. Now butter my butt and call me a biscuit, (I've been dying to say that since they noted it as popular slang in the local newspaper) on with the show.

Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning, or, well, the next afternoon to be more accurate, with a throbbing headache and a pain in my back. The cause of which became obvious, when I discovered that during the night my body had managed to bend at a ninety-degree angle over the edge of the couch, half of my body weight resting on where my head touched the floor. I was also _pleasantly_ surprised when I discovered that during the night, I had managed to drool in such a manner that it ran in a river from my mouth, down my face, through my hair, and into a cold pile on the floor that I was currently resting in. I attempted to drag myself up and get upright on the couch, but instead I overbalanced and fell backward into the slick puddle of my own saliva, thus marking the beginning of yet another amusing day.

To add insult to injury, at the sound of falling off of his couch, Eiri decided to roll back his office chair and take a break from the clackity-clack of his typing, and he walked smugly into the room with a fresh beer in his hand.

"Drinking already?" I asked from my place on the floor.

He narrowed his eyes and looked- if possible- even more smug than usual. "It's after noon. I decided not to get buzzed until just now, out of courtesy for my _esteemed_ guest." He looked down at me from over his glasses, before he pushed them up his nose and took a swig from his beer. "I've got a thirty-three percent chance of guessing right. Is it vomit, urine, or just drool? I wouldn't put any of them past you, Sakuma-san, but I'd prefer if you cleaned it up _before_ it stains my nice hardwood flooring."

I roll my eyes at him, before giving him a smile. "Well, out of courtesy for my warm and welcoming host, I won't tell you." I stood up, my clothes making that sticky wet sound that bare skin makes when you peel it off of leather furniture. "Mind if I use your shower?"

He turned his back and walked slowly back into his office, and he replied just before he closed the door. "Be my guest, provided that you don't masturbate loud enough for me to hear you chanting his name." And with that, he was gone.

_Dick. See if I clean your floor **now**._

Grabbing some of the fluffy pink bath towels (I wouldn't touch the dark blue ones if you paid me to) I made my way into their spacious bathroom and turned on the water. I soaped up and sang some of the lines from Bad Luck's newest album, before I poured shampoo into my hair. It took a while for the scent to reach my nose, but when it did I was overwhelmed by peonies. I sighed, scrubbing it out of my hair and searching for anything to drown out that damnable smell, but it seemed like the only other things they had were all fruity and sweet and so very _Shuichi, _unless of course you counted Yuki's fragrance-less shampoo that wouldn't hide the smell anyway. _At least his shampoo matches his personality._

Once out of the bathroom, I reluctantly folded up my blankets and ran a cursory swipe of a damp cloth over the water stain on the floor, before snatching up Kumagoro and deciding that I fully intended to mooch a free meal off of Eiri. After searching the cupboards and taking everything out onto the counters, I recalled briefly that I can't cook without burning things, so I settled in for a big bowl of cereal with chocolate milk and a peanut butter sandwich on potato bread; all-natural peanut butter and raspberry jam. I finished off by using some Pocky I found lying around as supports, so I built myself a sandwich castle while I waited for the cereal to get to that medium consistency; not too crunchy, not too soft, and time enough for the marshmallows to get all squishy with a crunchy center. _Life's a lot like a bowl of cereal. It's all about the timing._

I successfully managed to mess up his kitchen to my standards, when I decided that I'd already wasted enough of the day. With a grin, I marched back to Eiri's office and threw open the door, poking my head in. "Kumagoro and I thank you for letting us stay!"

"Like I had a choice," he replies dryly, absently sucking on the end of a pink gel pen. He then sniffs the air and throws a glance in my direction. "Masochist."

I sigh, my parade successfully rained upon. "The only stuff I could find," I said weakly in my defense, before adding, "It takes one to know one, anyway." I then snapped the door of his office shut and wandered out into the hallway, unsure of what I was going to do that day. Whatever it was, I was going to have fun because I was wearing Eiri's clothes, underwear and **everything**. _There's nothing like borrowing without asking and then forgetting to return things._

I made it back to my apartment without incident, which is nice, but unusual for me. I threw my jacket at a random piece of sculpture and managed to knock it over, but unfortunately it didn't break, so I just checked the messages on my answering machine. One was from Noriko, asking me what the hell I did to Tohma because he certainly wasn't going to tell her, and I deleted that one right away, suddenly glad that I had been warned that Nori-chan was on the rampage; and probably on his side, knowing her. The second message was an unexpected one, and I had to play it twice because I wasn't paying attention to the words the first time I listened to it.

"Hey, Ryuichi, this is Shuichi! I was wondering if you'd um… Actually, I wanted to surprise you, so could you just come to this address tonight. I promise all will be explained later. Er, not to sound cryptic or anything. It's not bad, I swear! Please, just come. If you can, I mean. I mean, well, if you're busy, please call me, but if not, just go there. Oh! And come at seven. Ummm… Oh! The address! Eh heh, how silly that I forgot, it's…"

I had to sit down. Shuichi. Meeting me for dinner. In a really nice restaurant, all alone. No Eiri in sight. In fact, I doubted that he even knew about the whole thing. This was big. Huge. One of those things that you can't keep to yourself. I was halfway through calling Tohma when I realized that I wasn't speaking to him, so I hung up the phone, feeling antsy and pent up. Glancing up at the clock, I realized that I only had five hours to get ready, so I sprinted like a maniac to the shower in an attempt to wash Shuichi's smell off of me, to avoid suspicion. _Hopefully, this won't be the only time tonight I have to wash his smell off of me._

One of the things I like about my apartment is the bathroom. Actually, bathrooms are probably my favorite part of anyone's dwelling. I mean, you can tell loads about a person by the way they keep their bathroom. Towel placement, what kind of toothbrush they have, where they store their personal items, what brand of condom they use, medicines, and neatness. Forget whether or not your zodiac signs match up; you can totally compare compatibility with just a glance at their bathroom. My bathroom's nice, but overly neat because the cleaning lady comes on Fridays, so much like everything else, it shows very little of my personality. Except my toothbrush. It's one of those electric dealies, but I'm okay with that since it's shaped like a racecar.

After my shower, I spend hours, literally hours, sitting on my bed and fixing my hair. Once I'm finished with that, I actually get dressed, realizing too late that I have to wear something button up because my hair's too perfect to screw up now. I manage to find something suitably sultry, but not too suggestive because if I'm disappointed, as per usual, I don't want to be completely obvious about it. By six-thirty I'm completely ready, and Kumagoro's even sporting his sexy James Bond outfit, so we head out the door and catch a taxi. I even pay him extra for getting us to the restaurant exactly on time.

I can automatically tell that Shuichi's picked this place. It's all neon and color and my head's already spinning from how blessedly casual everything seems. People are talking loudly, waiters and waitresses are happily handing out food in baskets and the dinnerware doesn't match, plus they're blaring music that I've actually heard of over the speakers. I bounced up to the woman at the tiny podium-type-thing, where she was reading through a list of names, before I flashed her a smile and said, "Is there somebody waiting for Sakuma Ryuichi?" She practically melted, before leading me through the maze of tables, all doe-eyed and weak-kneed. She pointed me to the corner booth, and I stopped short, thinking that there must be some sort of mistake.

Uesugi Tatsuha was sitting on the far side of the booth, drumming his fingers on the tabletop and staring out the window.

_What the hell? _

_What is **with** people lately, lying to me about who I'm going to eat with? Jeeze!_

Unable to just ditch him, waiting there like some prepubescent girl on her first date, I resigned myself to my fate, knowing full well that if I was a no-show, word would get back to Shuichi and he'd get all teary and upset. I threw on a smile and slid into the seat across from him, preparing myself for the worst.

He looked pretty anxious, and more than a little surprised that I actually showed up. "S-Sakuma-san," he replies, completely star-struck. I suddenly had a feeling that we were going to be stuck talking about how much he _looves_ my work for the rest of the night.

"Tatsuha!" I cry, desperate to talk about anything else. "Kuma-chan and I haven't seen you in forever! We're both _very_ surprised! You should be proud, because not just anybody can surprise us!" _And live to tell about it._

I watched him swallow, and then a busty waitress came over to take our drink order. "Can I have something blue and alcoholic?" I asked sweetly, batting my eyes at her.

She looked confused. "We don't serve alcohol here, sorry sir." My heart sank. _I'm so totally getting completely smashed after this is over with. _I looked Tatsuha's way, and discovered that he'd buried his head in his hands. "I could get you something blue and fizzy though," the waitress finished with a wink, and so I order and wait for Tatsuha to reappear from behind his hand screen.

He mumbled something along the lines of "Coke, please," and the waitress skipped off merrily, boobs bouncing buoyantly along the way.

I looked back at Tatsuha, but he was still partially hidden, so I started swinging my legs absently, looking around the place. "They have a big fish tank all around the ceiling, you know," I said, for the lack of anything better.

He looked up. "Umm, listen, Sakuma-san…"

I scrunched the wrapper on my straw up into a little bundle and let drips of water drop onto it, watching fascinated as it uncoiled like a little worm. "Yeah, Tatsuha-chan?" I replied in an adorable sing-song voice. If there's anything I love about Tatsuha, it's his name. _I could call him so many things, like Tat-chan, or Suha, or Haha, or Tat-ha, or… Su-hat, I suppose._ Before he can speak up, the waitress wandered our way again, jugs undulating in the kind of way wax moves in a lava lamp, ready and willing to take our order. Before I could open my mouth, Tatsuha beat me to it.

"Um, can I get some chicken fingers and french fries, with extra ketchup, and-" he paused, looking embarrassed, and I quietly simmered.

_What is the DEAL with this family, always assuming that I'm so simple as to always want the exact same thing, everywhere I go? You know, one of these days I'm just going to give Eiri, Mika, Tatsuha, and Tohma a piece of my mind about ordering for me! I'm not some little kid! I like to eat other foods!_

"Oh, sorry Sakuma-san, should I have let you order first?" he asked shyly.

I blinked. _That was his order? That's… actually kind of cute. _I bit my lower lip and gave him a smile. "No, it's okay Tat-chan, Kumagoro and I will have the same." After giving him a wink, I beamed up at the waitress as she disappeared in the direction of the kitchen.

At which point Tatsuha went all quiet again. You know, there must be something way off about the way the Uesugi family raises kids, if this is how sociable they turn out. I was about to start rambling on about nothing in particular, when he finally spoke.

"Aah, Sakuma-san…" he began, nervously massaging the back of his neck. "I'm really sorry about this, I mean, well…"

I blinked very slowly at him, which only served to unnerve him even more.

"I-it's… well, I know Shuichi put you up to this, and trust me, I had no intention of cooperating in this blind date bullshit, um, not that it's a date if you don't want it to be, but-" he realized that he's just cursed in front of his idol, but he continued on undeterred. "This is really lame, and probably excruciatingly boring for you, so feel free to leave if you want to. At first I was almost positive that this was a prank, but…" he shrugged, looking much more at ease. "Frankly, I don't give a shit whether you stay or go, if this is just one of Shuichi's weird little ideas that he assumes will work out perfectly. I just wanted to apologize in advance for the inevitable awkwardness, so don't feel like you have to stay out of pity or anything." I could tell he'd been waiting to get that off his chest for a while, but all at once his demeanor changed; his face relaxed along with his posture, and he casually thanked the waitress for our drinks when she came around again, calmly waiting for my response.

Oh yeah. My response. I have to admit, I was kind of looking for any way to jump off of this sinking ship of a dinner, but the fact that Tatsuha was so… forward, and honest, and so mature about the whole thing kind of left me intrigued. What happened to the too-tall sixteen-year-old that used to wet himself at the chance to just watch a simple recording of one of my performances? I guess it had been four, no, almost five years since I'd honestly had an actual conversation with him, so I suppose there'd been room for him to mature, but still. Knowing that he wasn't still some jailbait little kid left me feeling more than a little… old. _Heh. Jailbait. At least he's over eighteen now. He's technically a grown man. Free to do what or whomever he wishes. _

I blinked. No. Tatsuha is a nice boy, but he is still Eiri Yuki's brother, and technically Tohma's as well. I am _not_ having these thoughts.

_But look at him. He's still so cute, and he adores you. You could ask him to jump, and he'd ask "how high." Or you could ask him to so far less scrupulous things, and he'd comply with the zeal of a… let's see, carry the two… one, two, three, four… aah! With the zeal of a twenty-year old. _

No. Nonono. I refuse to follow this line of thinking. I'm more than fifteen years older than he is! And he looks up to me as a role model! When he was a baby, you were losing your virginity and flunking P.E. for the second consecutive time. You'd be a cradle robber! A child molester! Some kinda weirdo middle-aged pedophile that needs a younger significant other to regain some of your lost youth.

_Yeah, but how appealing is that? _

Shut up.

Somehow, while I was busy having a mini moral breakdown confined entirely within my own mind, our food had managed to arrive. Our buxom waitress presented us with two large plates of guaranteed heart disease, and placed one giant glass bottle of ketchup on our table before she was whisked off to serve other patrons. Which was a pity, because I absolutely detest glass ketchup bottles; the ketchup never comes out and first you shake it in frustration, and then you stick your knife in there to get some of it out, but that gets your knife all gross and you end up having to mess up your napkin, which I hate doing because I always forget and put the napkin in my lap later, only to cover myself in ketchup. And besides, what's the point of messing up your stupid napkin _before_ you even take a bite out of your meal?! So once you've managed to completely screw up your place setting, you tip the ketchup upside down, and it still won't come out, so you smack it and then ketchup goes everywhere anyway.

I watched as Tatsuha made a face, before he muttered "Stupid glass bottles," under his breath, and snatched it up and only to thwack it on the table in frustration.

I couldn't help but grin. "I know, right? You know, if you stick your butter knife in there then it'll come out faster."

He didn't bother looking up at me. "No point. It gets all over everything anyway."

I blinked, suddenly delighted that I was tricked into this… whatever it was. "Yeah, but how else are you going to get it to come out?"

He grunted, tapping it lightly on the edge of the table, before he held it at an angle over his plate and watched as little by little, ketchup trickled out over his food. I frowned and rested my head on my fist. "Isn't that a little slow?" I drawled, eyes half-closed at watching him do something so excruciatingly tedious.

"Yeah," he replied, smacking the butt of the bottle once more, at which point ketchup flowed freely over his plate. "But if I do it first, then it'll be easier for you, right?"

I blushed a little. That was actually really considerate of him. I guess I'm going to be surprised by more than one thing tonight. I snatched the bottle from his hands with a grin before tipping it over my own food. "You just wanted to eat before I get to," I said, sticking my tongue out at him, which finally won me a smile and a small chuckle in return.

"Guess I'm just that much of a bastard to want to hog all of the ketchup, huh?" he replied, popping a french fry into his mouth.

I picked up one of my ketchup saturated chicken fingers and took a bite. "Is our entire conversation going to revolve around ketchup, because I've got a whole tirade about relish that you might be interested in."

He considered it, cocking his head to one side. "Nah. Don't like relish."

I smiled, sucking ketchup off of my fingers. "Neither do I."

Conversation came pretty easy after that, and all too soon the waitress was back, prepared to take our dessert order. I found myself completely focused on everything Tatsuha's saying, which is odd, because I rarely give anyone my full attention. As long as I can keep track of the simplest details of a conversation, because I'm so often assaulted with praise and adoration, I generally just drift off into my own little world and tune out what they're trying to say. I like watching things more than I like talking, because so much of conversation these days is people trying to kiss up to me, and there are so many amazing things and feelings and tastes and experiences that are so much more meaningful than useless talk. In this case I guess I was making an exception.

I love the way he talks, actually, because I never really noticed it before. He's sarcastic and well grounded, but he's still got a sense of humor. I like the way he laughs too; there are just some people who laugh and make you want to pop your eardrums with a dessert fork, but his is low and melodic and just… nice. Plus he's got these big brown eyes that convey whatever he's feeling. I wonder who he inherited them from, because none of the Uesugis I've seen have that amount of warmth in their eyes. Though now that I think about it, very few people do.

"Melted chocolate. Or something poetic like that." I stated blankly, Tatsuha giving me a look that clearly said he has no idea what I'm talking about.

"Was I rambling, or were you just not paying attention?" He asked, gaze suddenly focused on his empty glass. He used his straw to play around with the ice in the bottom, and it made that clear, high-pitched, singing sound. I smiled at him because his hands were beautiful.

"Your eyes. Chocolatey." I said, before adding "Oh! I think I want the tiramisu for dessert." Kumagoro wholeheartedly agreed.

Tatsuha rested his chin on his palm. "I don't think anyone's ever complimented my eyes before. In fact," he said with a wry grin, "I think I recall Eiri likening them to dog excrement and bad coffee, hopeless romantic and soulful poet that he is. But then, he did hit the lottery when it comes to looks. His eyes are much more interesting than mine."

"Different. Not necessarily more interesting." I replied, looking for the waitress.

She came around again in due time; I got the tiramisu and Tatsuha ordered some coffee, but I made him eat half of my tiramisu anyway. The waitress returned with the check, and we decided to split the bill, though I could have easily paid for the whole thing myself. Tatsuha stood up and put a small wad of bills down on the table for our tip. Following his example, I put down the same amount.

"Eh, Sakuma-san, I've got the tip. You don't need to-"

"I know." I said with a shrug. "But she has a nice pair."

Tatsuha laughed, and I lead him out of the restaurant and out onto the sidewalk.

"So…" he said awkwardly. "I had a really nice time tonight, Sakuma-san. I guess I'll-"

I frowned. "It's only nine o'clock. What are you, twelve?"

_Might as well be, considering the age difference. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you._

Pervert.

He smirked at me and put his hands behind his head. "Close, but not quite. I just figured you might want to bail on me while the opportunity presents itself. Since you never answered my question earlier, I just figured you've either got nothing better to do, or you're humoring me, though I can't decide which is worse. Besides, my place is a long walk from here, it might be a good idea to get a head sta-"

I grabbed his hand. "Let's go ice-skating, Tat-chan."

He blinked. "There's no ice." He replied thickly.

I grinned. "Not here. I know a place."

After an hour of brisk walking, and one side trip to a small, all-night hardware store, I found myself standing in front of a large, fenced-in facility with a rather large "CLOSED FOR REPAIRS" sign in front of it. Tatsuha was panting and holding a stitch in his side.

"I didn't realize it would be so difficult," he said between breaths "keeping up with you."

"Why?" I asked, hands on my hips. "Figured you'd run circles around an old man like me?" I rifled through the bag of tools we picked up from "Handyman Hal's All-Nite Hardware," and took out a small blue crowbar, shoving the bag into Tatsuha's hands.

"Uh-um… Sakuma-san? What are you doing?" he inquired, as I advanced on the padlock that was keeping the chain link fence closed.

"I am attempting to break and enter." I threw over my shoulder. "Now shh! Stand there and be a good accessory."

He made a face that reminded me of my old pet goldfish, only less dead. "Sakuma-san! Do you honestly think- We could be arrested! What-"

I glared at him. "Sakuma-san this, Sakuma-san that! I'm not going to answer you until you use my real name."

"Didn't want to be overly familiar…" he replied softly, rubbing at the back of his neck.

I jammed the end of the crowbar into the lock and pried like it was going out of style. The lock bent first, and then flew off with a satisfying snap, landing somewhere off to my right. "Guess they figured that nobody'd be dumb enough to break into an ice rink, huh?" I said, slinging the crowbar over my shoulder proudly.

"Only you, Ryuichi, only you." He replied, eyes gleaming with mischief.

I stuck my tongue out at him and pushed back the fence, making my way over those weird stadium counter things and inside the building. It was cold, obviously, and there was some scaffolding up where they were remodeling some of the seating areas, but the ice was there and gleaming from the electric lights outside. Tatsuha, though still shooting furtive glances over his shoulder, was the first one to find the skate rental booth. With a little luck, okay, with a whole hell of a lot of prying and cursing and frustrated bashing, we managed to get the skate booth open. Tatsuha picked a shiny green pair of skates and I chose some pink and black ones in an effort to match Kumagoro. I managed to jump the skate counter and precariously made my way down to the rink, thinking perhaps that walking around on two metal blades was not my best idea of the evening. Tatsuha followed my lead, and he was on the ice before I was.

"Tatsuha," I began, curious, "do you even know how to skate?" I watched him as he gracefully did a full circuit of the rink, and then landed near me with a little jump.

"Yeah," he said with a cheeky grin. "Used to do it when I was younger."

"Oh good." I replied, putting one skate out onto the ice. "Because I don't."

With that statement, I walked gingerly out onto the ice, but I overbalanced and fell on my ass. As it happens, ice is slipperier than I had previously thought. Tatsuha stood a few feet to my right, just staring at me, before he broke into a fit of laughter that echoed around the rink. I pouted up at him, but he didn't notice for laughing so hard, so instead I slid myself over to him and kicked his legs out from underneath him.

"Hey!" he yelled. "That's not funny! I could've been seriously hurt!"

We couldn't stop laughing after that, but eventually he helped me to my feet and lead me slowly around the rink. After about an hour of practice, I could skate a little bit on my own without falling over too often, but I liked it better when I had Tatsuha there holding me up.

"You just like doing that, don't you?" I asked, annoyed.

"What?" he asked in return.

"Skating circles around me." I said, pouting.

He paused for a moment, before he purposely began moving in slow circles around me. "Yeah," he replied. "Yeah I do."

I pushed him over, but he grabbed my leg and pulled me down on top of him until our faces were mere centimeters away.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I replied, watching his eyes with rapt fascination.

And then we heard the sirens.


	4. 04

My goodness, is this an update? Yeah, sorry about the wait. This chapter is shortish too, so I'm doubly sorry about that. Oh! And to answer a question from before, I'm going to pretend that Shuichi and Ryuichi have different shampoos, especially given that Shuichi was so keen on getting away from imitating Ryuichi in one volume or another. So yes, I'm just going to imagine that Shuichi's all grown up and using his own brand of scented shampoo. Eh heh. In any case, thank you to all of my wonderful reviewers for watching my grammar and keeping this story afloat. It's interesting too, because this chapter was definitely the hardest to write, and I could have gone in two or three completely different directions with it. In any case, enjoy, and I'll continue posting as soon as I can. Now shut me up and on with the show!

Chapter 4

Tatsuha grabbed me by the arm and forced me across the ice, where we both scrambled like idiots to get over the barrier and into the skate booth. He managed to get inside it with one fluid jump, as though he'd been breaking and entering for years, but I was having trouble, legs flailing wildly as I got stuck halfway over the front of the booth. He looked flushed, and was panting and grinning wildly as he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me inside. We pressed up against the underside of the counter, catching our lost breath, and Tatsuha began pulling off his skates and forcing his shoes back on, lacing the skates as the instructions on the booth directed and shoving them back on their proper shelf. I was feeling slightly overwhelmed, and Tatsuha gave me a searching look before he pulled my skates off for me and put them away with the silence and efficiency of… somebody who's silent and efficient. We both heard the footsteps approach the booth, and I shut my eyes tightly, awaiting the inevitable.

Tatsuha apparently had other plans, however, and he slipped my shoes on and pulled me across the floor of the booth and under the flip out counter. I watched dumbly as flashlight beams cut through the darkness and in our direction, but Tatsuha was faster, and he practically threw me to the ground between the rink seats. From there, he gripped my hand like a vice and inched his way down the aisle. We could hear the policemen talking, but it was distorted in the echo of the rink and their words were lost. Once or twice I caught them saying "intruder," and "punk kids," but the beams of light that marked their presence eventually all congregated around the skate booth as they checked for stolen merchandise. Once we reached the end of the long row of seats, Tatsuha led me up an aisle and down the stairwell, where we waited, pressed against each other in between two lockers. Tatsuha breathed a soft "Shit," that tickled against my ear as we listened to the footsteps coming our way. I felt him inhale sharply, and then we both held our breath as the policemen walked directly in our line of vision. I shut my eyes tightly and Tatsuha moved closer, and we both waited to be found out.

I could practically feel the cops, clear as day, as they walked by us, neatly starched uniforms brushing against the black of Tatsuha's coat.

"Probably just some kids out for a joy ride. Stupid little shits' are probably long gone by now, Johnson." The first officer adjusted his coat and turned to put his flashlight away.

"Yeah, but it still bugs the hell out of me, you know? Just once I'd like to catch them in the act and throw the book their way." The second officer looked tense, fists clenching and unclenching.

"Come on, you're only a kid once, right? I'd feel kind of bad if we did catch them. And with the exception of the broken locks, they didn't even do anything. Cash register's clean, and the skate inventory is all there. We were stupid teenagers once, so we should cut them some slack this time." The first officer put his hands in his coat pockets and jingled his keys.

"Yeah, but they also dragged us out here in the middle of the night for no reason. We've got a lot more important things to do than babysit a bunch of children at a skate rink."

"Jeeze," the first officer replied. "Has Helen been on your case again? You haven't been this riled up since she wouldn't let you see the kids last time."

"I guess," the second officer grumbled as they disappeared around the corner. "It's not easy…" Anything else the officers said was lost as they made their way out of the building and to their awaiting police cars.

"Tatsuha…" I whispered into his ear. "Do you think they're gone?"

"I saw more than two flashlights. Maybe we should wait here a little longer." He replied softly.

I shifted uncomfortably as his body pressed closer, and I could feel his every breath on my neck and against my chest; I began counting how many times his chest rose and fell against mine, and I matched his rhythm, breathing in every time he exhaled. It was then that I realized how cold it was, and I was grateful for his presence, even though I still felt slightly uneasy. It was really imperative that I not be arrested, because my previous record spoke for itself and I really didn't want to cause a scandal. Especially one that I was unable to get out of because I was still mad at Tohma. As the minutes slowly dragged on, the adrenaline rush began to wear off and a feeling of lethargy swept over my body. No longer able to hold my position, I leaned forward into Tatsuha's shoulder, and rubbed my cheek against the soft material of his turtleneck. "Mmmm." I said lazily. "Cotton."

Tatsuha hissed into my ear, and shivers ran up and down my spine like alternating current. "Are you tired? I didn't think anything could wear you out, but…"

I burrowed into his coat as goosebumps began forming on the exposed flesh of my stomach and neck. "Shouldn't we find a better place to hide?" I mumbled into his collar.

I could feel his smile against my cheek. "No need. I'm pretty sure they've been gone for a good ten minutes now."

I inhaled deeply and picked up the light scent of his cologne. It reminded me of snowshoes and hot cocoa with tiny little marshmallows floating on top. It wasn't chocolaty, it was just… cool. Like the way the wind bites into your cheeks when it snows, but with a warmth that lingers after you go inside. "Then why are we still hiding?" I asked him, not really expecting an answer.

"I don't know," he said, obviously amused. "Because it feels nice."

I smiled up at him, before stepping on his foot. He jumped back with a curse, which was awkward because I was still semi-attached to his coat, and being the graceful ballerina that I am, I managed to trip him, and myself, and send us both to the floor for the eighth or ninth time that night. I picked myself up quickly, brushing off my arms, and Tatsuha stared up at me with a shit-eating grin before helping himself to his feet.

"Ready to go?" he asked cheekily.

I nodded enthusiastically, and we were off, jumping the crowd counter and climbing over the newly locked fence. We helped each other climb; I was more limber than Tatsuha but he was taller, and between the two of us we managed. Except on the way down my sleeve got caught on a stray piece of wire, and as I jumped, it snapped my arm upward and tore the sleeve completely off. I cursed loudly as I watched Tatsuha land with the practiced ease of a gymnast, and I held my arm gingerly, praying that it a) wasn't broken, and b) wasn't bleeding. Of the things I can't stand, blood and broken bones are near the very top of my list, right next to pants that don't fit right in the crotch and fans who think they know my songs better than I do. Tatsuha was by my side almost immediately, looking me over to see if I was all right. As it would turn out, I was only slightly bruised from my spastic landing, and the pain went away after Tatsuha tenderly massaged my arm. He then used the links in the fence as hand holds and retrieved my lost sleeve, before kneeling next to me and handing me my lost arm with a crooked smile.

"It's a damn shame, that was a nice coat." He said, grinning like a jerk.

I glared. "It was a nice shirt too! Two! I managed to ruin two of my favorite things!"

He leaned back against the fence. "Hey, it's not the end of the world. Now you can just buy something nicer with all that money you have stored away."

I pouted. "That's not the point. I could care less about buying designer clothes. I just buy what I like. And I liked that shirt. And I loved that coat! Do you know how many years it took me to break that coat in just the way I like it? It's a tragedy! Now I'm going to have to go out and find a coat that fits just right, and then I'm going to have to wear it all the time. And it's uncomfortable wearing coats everywhere, especially when you want to go to sleep. I mean, it's all well and good when you finally find the perfect coat, but it gets really hot in the summer and… and… And it's really cold!"

He laughed. I glared. "What, do you expect me to apologize because you're uncoordinated to the point of bodily harm?" He grinned again. "I can't believe anyone finds you sexy if this is what you're really like."

I stood up and kicked him in the shin, before I marched off in what I assumed to be the direction of my apartment. He let out a loud curse, before stumbling up off the ground and jogging after me.

"Do you have to walk so fast? Jeeze!" he said, struggling to keep up.

I shoved Kumagoro in his face. "I am not talking to you. Please direct all questions to Mr. Bear and he will take a message. And then he will throw said messages away, because as previously stated, I am not talking to you."

Tatsuha attempted to rub his aching shin and walk with me at the same time, which ended up being an awkward half-hop, half-jog. I tried to stay angry with him but I couldn't. "You look like a three legged sheep attempting to learn how to tango. By itself. Without an instructor. And having never before seen what the tango actually looks like." I grumbled, shoving my freezing cold hands into the remnants of my coat and making a poor attempt at staying angry.

He glared, but his eyes betrayed the smile he was attempting to hide. "Oh yeah? Well at least I only look that way when I'm injured."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "Are you insinuating that I'm uncoordinated?"

"Maybe," he drawled, and his eyes sparkled in my direction.

"Hm," I replied snippily, my chattering teeth betraying how cold I'd become. "W-well m-m-m-maybe I d-don't w-want to h-hang out w-with you anymore. If you're just going to keep b-being m-mean. You know, y-you're j-j-just as b-bad as your b-b-br"

Without any warning, Tatsuha took off his long black coat and draped it over my shoulders with a little smile. "Guess I should let up, huh? Wouldn't want to rob my brother of the 'Cold Bastard of the Year' award. Especially not when Tohma's been nominated, and I think we all know how competitive Tohma is. I could end up lying dead in a ditch in Bangkok."

I giggled appreciatively, and leaned against his shoulder, slowing down my pace. "Won't you be cold?" I asked, with no intention of giving him his coat back.

"Yeah," he murmured soft enough for only me to hear. "But since I'm so manly and strong I figure I'll be alright. Plus, you know, you're so much smaller and more vulnerable than I am," he slipped an arm around my waist and squeezed, and I instinctively looked around to see if there was anyone nearby, watching us. "It's common courtesy to give up your coat to somebody who's weaker than you are."

"Oh yeah?" I asked, sensing the challenge in his voice and more than prepared to defend myself. I moved away from his loose embrace and walked backward, facing him but still maneuvering through the crowded sidewalk. "Then here's the deal. I assume you know where my apartment is?"

He nodded once, looking slightly embarrassed, before his eyebrows shot up in wonder as his mind began to think up just what, exactly, I was suggesting. I gave him a wide smile, the type that I give to people just before I'm about to tear them apart. _At least I learned something useful from Tohma. _He looked ridiculously nervous all of a sudden, and I suddenly held Kumagoro out in front of me, stopping dead in my tracks. He wasn't prepared for my sudden halt, and he collided with the arm holding Kuma-chan. "Now, now, Tatsuha-chan. Don't be a horny little pervert." I grinned when his eyes widened marginally and his cheeks blossomed pink. _Peonies._ _No, can't think about that now._ Tatsuha tried to cover his embarrassment and uncertainty as his face hardened into that shrewd, calculating look that Eiri gives anyone trying to sell him something, but it was clear that he wasn't his brother; where Eiri's features were completely under control, Tatsuha's face radiated a youthful innocence that Eiri's had lost long ago.

"And I know that you've been staying in one of Tohma's buildings, because he told me as much a few months back." I scrawled my apartment number, and then my phone number, onto a piece of paper I'd found in his coat pocket. "Now give me your address and number." He did as I asked without batting an eyelash, obviously confused. "Ok!" I clapped my hands twice, shoving the paper he'd given me in my pocket. "Now, I'm going to run to your apartment. And you're going to run to my apartment. And then we're going to leave a message on the opposite answering machine. If I leave you a message first, then we'll go back to our respective apartments and go back to being near strangers, but if you leave me a message first, then you get to decide what to do with me." As an afterthought, I added "And Kumagoro."

Tatsuha looked at the paper in his hand. "But isn't your apartment farther than mine from here?"

I smiled a sultry little smile and tossed my hair. "Your legs are longer than mine. Wouldn't be fair. Besides," I said, allowing my hand to slip inside of my shirt and smooth over my shoulder. "You already said I was small, vulnerable, and weak. You should be gentlemanly enough to give me a head start." I batted my eyelashes. "Do we have an arrangement, no da?"

He looked at the paper in his hand, expressionless, before he walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Despite how un-gentlemanly it is to not walk you home, I think I can agree to your terms. However," he said, moving close enough to kiss. "Whoever told you I was a gentleman," his lips were millimeters from mine, and my head tilted up unconsciously, eyes falling half closed as I felt his breath against my face. "Was obviously misinformed." With that he pushed me to the ground before shouting, "Look everyone! It's Sakuma Ryuichi of Nittle Grasper!!" He then took off sprinting down the sidewalk as the ears of every woman in the crowd perked up, and their eyes turned in my direction.

With flailing arms and a loud "Shit!" I detangled myself from the railing I'd been shoved into and ran in the opposite direction, but not before the fans descended. They screeched like harpies for autographs and sobbed into my shirt over the break up of Nittle Grasper, tearing and pulling at me like starved dogs. They soon got out of hand, but once the fighting broke out I was able to duck under the crowd and get out unscathed, losing a shoe in the process. The neon of Tokyo blurred into long streams of color as I tore by, like the streams of red and white car taillights make in the evening. I jumped over railings and shoved through people who were out for a night on the town, shouting "Sorry!" every once in a while but never looking back. Having memorized my destination I took a shortcut through a supermarket to avoid some traffic, jumping over crates of oranges and just barely missing an elderly woman who then proceeded to curse bitterly in my direction. I ran harder than I ever had before, fueled by my own rage at Tatsuha's unsportsmanlike, yet painfully clever answer to having a handicap. I wanted to find him and beat him up for cheating, but at that moment I was focused on one thing and one thing only. Get to the phone.

His apartment building in sight, I ran straight into traffic and jumped over the hood of a car, the driver blaring his horn at my recklessness. I threw open the glass doors of the lobby and ran past the confused doorman, skidding to a halt inside the elevator just as the doors closed. All I could hear was the beating of my heart in my ears and the soft sound of the loudspeaker as it played "Tequila" on loop. The moment the door gave a soft "ding" I was off down the hallway, searching for apartment number 557 like a man possessed. I nearly missed the door, but Kumagoro, in his infinite wisdom, pointed out my error and gave me the key. I jammed it into the lock and turned swiftly, throwing the lights on and realizing that I was looking for a phone in a bachelor pad. _I am never, ever going to find anything, am I?_

Tossing clothes and shoes and all manner of petrified takeout off of every available surface, I searched desperately for a phone. I thought I'd been victorious when I discovered a small black cell phone cradle, but to no avail; it was empty and the answering machine was sitting ominously next to it, just waiting for me to fail. I searched everywhere, through his kitchen, in his bedroom, and I even went so far as to check the refrigerator. In my frantic search I practically violated the couch, tearing off every pillow and cushion and pawing through every nook and crevice that his phone could possibly be hidden in. Stepping into his bathroom, I went through every drawer, tossing everything from condoms to aftershave into his bathtub, before I decided to give his dresser the same treatment. I dug through his drawers like a dog, and with a loud cry of triumph I found the small black phone buried deep within his underwear drawer. Just as I was about to dial, I heard talking coming from the living room, and curiously I padded in, carefully stepping over CD's and DVD's I'd divested from the bookshelf only minutes before. Mouth agape with horror, I watched as the answering machine finished recording a message from an extremely out-of-breath, but smugly triumphant Tatsuha.

Flopping down on the couch defeated, I dialed my own number after a few minutes of wallowing in my own despair. "Tatsuha," I began sourly. I could feel his smile like radiation.

"Ryuichi," he said gleefully.

"Your underwear drawer?!" I hissed spitefully.

He took a deep breath, coughing from exerting himself in such cold weather, and I could hear him chuckling slightly. "Oh, so is that where I put it?"

I hoped my glare would burn him through the phone. "That was totally unfair. And cheap. But mostly completely and utterly-"

"Brilliant," he breathed softly into the phone. "Ingenious. I would never have been able to get here on time otherwise. But just so you know, I never once underestimated you. You're a difficult man to outrun, Ryuichi."

"That's because I've been doing it all my life." I replied softly. "Though I suppose you're just so pleased you've proven how weak I am, huh?" I added quietly, somewhat disgusted with myself, and very, very tired.

"No," he wheezed back. "I've managed to prove how strong you are. At least now I know what to expect. Well, as much as anyone does, from you." He laughed softly, and it reminded me of tiny crystal bells. "It's not so great, anyway."

"What?" I asked, deflated.

"Winning by default. If I hadn't shut the phone in my drawer when Mika kept calling that day I was… otherwise occupied, you would have kicked my ass, wouldn't you have? It's actually kind of embarrassing to lose like that to someone who's so much older than I am. I guess I'm out of shape. Though technically we both cheated, so I'm not sorry."

I smiled slightly, wondering what would come next. "You were so eager to see me again that you'd lie, cheat, and steal?"

There was a pause. "I pushed an old man into the street. And given that disrespecting the elderly isn't exactly my favorite pastime, that says something, doesn't it? Though I think you're avoiding the real question. Were you so eager to get rid of me that you'd run until your heart nearly burst from the effort?"

I thought for a moment. "My conditions were merely testing you to see how badly you wanted to see me again."

"And if I'd walked to your apartment and lost the competition by a good thirty minutes?"

I shrugged, adjusting the phone. "Then you would have gone back to Kyoto all by yourself to respect the elderly there, now wouldn't you have?"

"I wonder if that's your real reason, or if you're hiding again. I guess it doesn't really matter though, does it? I fully intend on claiming my prize, provided that I've won whatever little game we were playing back there." He shifted, and the phone crackled as his breathing made static in the receiver.

"Alright Tatsuha," I replied breathily. "Now that you have me, what do you intend to do with me?" After all, it had been some time since I'd last been laid, and since I knew Uesugi Tatsuha did not have a reputation for being a chaste little virgin, I fully expected him to return to this apartment and nail me into the wall. It would be easier this way, when I had to leave in the morning. Though by the clock on the wall in the kitchen, it was already technically morning; either way I assumed that whatever awkward relationship we had begun a few hours ago would end as quickly as it had begun. _And then I can go back to living in my head, dreaming of things I'll never have._

"And Kumagoro, as per our arrangement. Meet me for dinner on Saturday. I get to pick the place."

I faltered. "I… excuse me, Saturday?"

His voice had a smile in it again. "Did I stutter? Oh, and you might consider actually wearing clothes this time. Though it is kind of cute how perky your little nipples were through that white ruffley number you painted on tonight. But still, it's too cold to be dressing like that, Ryu-chan. You'll get sick if you go outside with no clothes on."

I stuttered, "I was not- I mean- I was _so_ wearing- You know what? Forget it. You're just taunting me! Besides which, you liked it, so why bother complaining?" I purred softly. Leaning back into the soft cushions of the couch I'd massacred only moments before, I slid a hand up underneath my shirt. "Tat-chan. Wouldn't you rather come back to your apartment?" _And show me some proper idol worship. _

I heard him shift in his seat. "Why bother? I'm tired. Besides, your place is nice. Clean. Sterile even."

"Well compared to what you're used to-" I shot back before I could stop myself.

To my relief, he laughed. "You know what? Forget about eating out Saturday. Why don't you just stop by my place and I'll cook you something? Given that from what I've seen of your barren cabinets, you subsist entirely on sugary cereal and anything that has the word "instant" preceding it, you ought to get a taste of real cooking."

"I-" I began, lost. Didn't he… didn't he want me? I mean, I was being pretty fucking wanton here. And I knew he could tell, given the nature of our flirting. "But I'm already at your apartment," I whined. "Don't you want to sleep in your own bed?"

"Nah," he replied, amusement evident in his voice. "Yours looks pretty nice. Plus I'm tired. And besides, I'm not picky. I figure I'll just crash here for the night and leave tomorrow morning. Got some stuff to do in Kyoto before Saturday."

"Oh, well, I could just come over then!" _Jeeze, way to sound completely desperate. _

"Come on, you're exhausted too, I can hear it in your voice. Why not just call it a night at my place? I'm really tired, Ryuichi, and it'd be kind of nice to quit the game while I'm ahead."

"But-" I began.

"Didn't you say you'd do what I say? Go to sleep, Ryuichi. And have sweet dreams."

I tried to voice my protest, but the click of the receiver told me that Tatsuha wasn't up for listening. I threw the phone into a pile of clothes in frustration, rubbing at my tired eyes. _Guess he's right. I should probably just…sleep._

After searching through some clean smelling clothes I found in a wash basket in his room, I picked out a large white t-shirt to sleep in, hoping that Tatsuha wouldn't mind my borrowing it. At which point I remembered that Tatsuha had turned me down, which left me slightly miffed. I took a shower in his bathroom after unceremoniously dumping all of the personal items I'd put in the bathtub out onto the bathroom floor, and dried off with some large, fluffy green towels. After running a comb through my hair and changing the sheets on his bed, because this was Eiri's supposedly sexually active younger brother, after all, (though by tonight's events, I was beginning to doubt that) I pulled on the t-shirt and slipped under the covers. I fell asleep before I got to say goodnight to Kuma-chan.


	5. 05

The long awaited (for some people I guess) Chapter 5 is here. And I'm terribly, terribly sorry for the long wait. I do intend to finish this story, but each chapter gets harder and harder to write as I forget more and more of the details. Firstly, thank you all for reading, and for your kind reviews. Secondly, to answer your questions, I'd completely forgotten how detailed I made the time line in Disasters, so I sort of messed it up royal for this, and so I like to think of it as a parallel universe to Disasters telling Ryuichi's bit of the story, only with a slightly messed up timeline. (Conversion into English: I'm a twit. Sorry.) However, it gives me the warm fuzzies to think you've been reading that closely. Third, I'm sorry again for the excruciating update time, and I do hope it won't deter you from reading. I'll be more faithful now that I remember what the hell I'm doing, promise. In any case, you didn't come here for the author's notes, so let's get this show back on the road.

Chapter 5

"Now there's a sight I could get used to," Uesugi Tatsuha said, poking his head through the door to his bedroom and successfully scaring the crap out of me.

Though I suppose he was right; during the night his overlarge t-shirt had slipped down my shoulder, and I was completely tangled in his blankets, one of my bare legs sticking out of the sheets to my side. _Thank all that's holy you decided to wear underwear last night._ I stretched, arms high above my head, before I picked Kumagoro up and sprawled out on my stomach, lazily swinging my legs in an attempt to look casual and sexy all at once. Tatsuha, however, was otherwise occupied in detangling a sports bag from his man-eating closet, and so my pose went unnoticed.

"Tatsuha…" I began, though in actuality I had no idea what I was going to say. I wanted his attention, however, and so I eagerly awaited his response.

"Yeah?" he replied absently, randomly pulling clothes from seemingly nonexistent places around the room and stuffing them forcefully into the bag with muffled grunts. I watched him like cats watch ping-pong, in that "trying not to care, pretending to feign interest, but secretly completely enthralled" sort of way. He bent over a lot, and I was somewhat pleased to discover that he had a lovely posterior. _Not that I'm thinking about his posterior after the blow off last night. Hee. Blow off. _I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts, at which point I realized that Tatsuha was staring at me expectantly, which meant that he'd said something and was awaiting an answer, which meant that I was going to have to come up with something fast in order to appear crazy instead of stupid.

"Did you know goldfish have a memory of approximately seven minutes?" I drawled, Kumagoro doing an amusing little dance in my arms.

He went back to stuffing his bag, and replied casually "A common misconception. Though goldfish are reputed to have short memories, through proper training methods they can be taught to remember colors, shapes, and can even navigate mazes. But that's not the point. The point is that you've completely lost track of what I've been talking about this whole time, which is somewhat typical, partially adorable, and mostly annoying, but I'll let it slide since your eyes have been glued to my ass for a good five minutes."

I blinked. "I…" I frowned at him, glaring. "Kumagoro thinks you make an awful lot of assumptions about things you don't know very much about."

He smiled. "I grew up around you, Ryuichi. You were just too big to notice." He hefted his bag over one shoulder and adjusted his jacket, smoothing his hands over it as though he was preening feathers. It was oddly attractive, and I noticed that even his gestures had matured, turning the boy I had grown so accustomed to into this… tall, somewhat formal man. "I guess I'll see you here on Saturday, huh?"

I tore my gaze away from his crotch and he smiled a winsome smile. I stuck my tongue out. "It's your fault for having a bed that's at crotch height anyway, Tat-kun."

He grinned, walking out of the bedroom. "Why do you think I like that bed so much?" he added, rifling through things on the counter in the search for his keys. He'd left his keys on his dresser, and so I scooped them up and dangled them from the end of my index finger, leaning in the doorway.

"Are you leaving already, Tatsuha?" I asked, pouring on as much charm and sex appeal as was physically possible at this time of the- I checked his clock. –afternoon. His keys swung on the end of my finger, making that soft sound of metal-on-metal that's not quite bells but has a certain metallic taste to it, and I shifted my bare legs, exposing the barest hint of underwear underneath his long shirt. He swallowed visibly, and I could tell his mind was dreaming up all sorts of things that he would rather be doing than going to Kyoto, so I was shocked when he gave me a disconcerting smile and snatched the keys off of the end of my fingertips.

"I have obligations, as much as I'd enjoy spending more time with you," he replied calmly, and for a moment I wondered if he'd rehearsed this whole thing. "Besides which, I had such a good time last night I wouldn't want to spoil the memory by doing something profoundly moronic. It'll be even better, having to wait and see you Saturday." He pointed at me. "Saturday. Don't forget."

Kumagoro waved. "We won't. We'll remind each other. It'll be simple!" I smiled at him without really thinking about it, and he waved to Kumagoro and smiled back, before stepping out of the apartment and gently closing the door.

In the wake of Tatsuha's departure, I made my way to the kitchen intent on finding whatever was left in his cabinets, and eating what was edible in the messiest, most abnormal and somewhat disgusting way I could possibly think up, but when I reached the refrigerator I discovered that Tatsuha had brought home a package of mini-muffins, and taped my name to them. I squealed delightedly, snatching up the parcel, and frowned slightly when I remembered that I was supposed to be mad at him. In all honesty, I should probably have been even more upset with him because he not only blew me off twice, but he was going to be in Kyoto for half of forever, but I supposed I could wait a bit longer. Or, well, I could have just plotted something downright evil and sprung it on him the next time he was in town, but I was feeling decidedly lazy and I have a soft spot for people who'll buy you breakfast. And for muffins in general.

I spent a good hour and a half messing around with his things, because Kumagoro informed me that I was alone in someone else's apartment, and I wholeheartedly agree that there's nothing more exciting than discovering all the things that they have hidden away. I started in the bathroom because I was looking for a toenail clipper at the time, and before I could rightly recall my actions, I was in his bedroom, peeping through his top dresser drawer, surrounded on all sides by the contents of his entire apartment for the second time in the past twenty-four hours. I was wearing one of his caps, and a pair of pants that I liked enough to ignore how very long the legs were, and I had on two shirts that were mismatched to the point that, if worn in public, I would probably be arrested for blinding people. I'd already torn through his closet, but despite the presence of too much formal wear, I liked his style. Sure, there were a lot of button up shirts, but they had actual color and cut to them, and his collection of obscure t-shirts was more than enough to amuse me for a while.

After making a sculpture out of scotch tape and the miscellaneous sexual objects I'd found strewn throughout his house, I supposed it was time to leave, because I was probably forgetting something important anyhow. Despite my forgetful tendencies, I did manage to lock his apartment behind me, slipping the key into the pocket of my outfit. Or at least the outfit I was borrowing, which still looked as though a colorblind person had chosen it for me. I strolled along the sidewalks, ignored by the populace, as the real Sakuma Ryuichi, in their eyes, would have far more taste than to wander around aimlessly singing to himself in an outfit that offended the eyes. I was halfway through the park near Shuichi's place, when I realized that I hadn't actually thought about Shuichi at all in the last day. I was torn between being elated that I could be distracted from this thing I had for Shuichi, and feeling hideously guilty that I would betray Shuichi for some… well, some thing with Tatsuha. At which point I realized that I was making a thing out of my blind date gone wrong with Tatsuha, at which point I realized that I was calling it a date, at which point I decided it was high time for me to go back to my apartment and seriously think about what was going on in my head. Kumagoro rubbed his forehead to express his exasperation, and I sighed, giving Shuichi's building a wistful glance before taking the long walk back to my place.

It was Kumagoro who saved me when we got back to my apartment and I realized too late that my key was in my pants, and I didn't happen to be wearing my pants. He always keeps a spare on him, and I expressed my gratitude by giving him a hug and promising him a hot bubble bath. I walked into my living room, intent on tossing my clothes onto my furniture and running the bathwater, when I heard a voice from behind me say "A bath, huh? I didn't realize that you still needed help with those, but if you're offering, and need assistance, I'm always happy to comply, Ryuichi."

K barely had time to finish his sentence before I made a flying leap for him, but he had a gun in my face before I had time to greet him properly. "K!" I screeched wildly, Kumagoro brushing his shoulders lightly as I attempted to maneuver around the barrel of his gun. He pulled back the safety and there was an audible "click" before I composed myself, giggling lightly. "You do need to get out more, Ryuichi. I thought Tohma was overreacting, but if you're excited at being threatened with violence… Though I suppose you always were the kinky sort."

I made a face. "We are just ecstatic to see K because he never drops by anymore and we were sure he loved Bad Luck more than he loved us, and he's always too busy for us and-" My voice went deadpan. "You've been… talking with Tohma?"

He brought the gun away from my face and polished it lovingly, slipping it back into its holster. "Yeah. Most of it was typical cryptic Tohma, but he did have a few points."

I paled. "What kind of points, K?" An image of Tohma in a blaze of fire, swinging a mourningstar immediately jumped to mind.

He looked away from me, and we both stared at his pristinely polished boots. "Well, you haven't been exactly social lately. And… I don't know. Tohma's been saying you go out all the time, and-" he poked me in the ribs and I yelped. "It's pretty obvious you haven't been eating. Again. What, did you forget? Doesn't your maid freeze dinners for you?"

I stuck my tongue out. "Frozen dinners? You know I hate leftovers. It's like… what happens when the goodness leaves food and you're left with the empty shell of something that was once edible."

He sighs, leaning back on my couch, and though normally he'd argue that those dinners are technically whole and not leftovers, he didn't, and instead he looked really tired.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Ryuichi, do you know why I'm here?"

I cringed a little bit, but I give him a smile nonetheless. "Because you're a good friend and have come to alleviate my boredom?"

He looked upset. "That's a fabulous guess, Ryuichi, but not exactly correct. See, apparently Tohma refuses to talk about what's wrong with you, which in turn upset Noriko to the point that she can't even stand to look at you, which is why they called me."

I smiled slightly, narrowing my eyes. "Good to know it took two other people being angry with me to get you to visit, K."

He looked angry, which only served to upset me more because I was so sick of everyone always taking Tohma's side, and so sick of being yelled at, and really no one understood me but Shuichi and he was out of my grasp, and the only good thing I had going was bound to last until Saturday, because I was probably going to do something to screw that up to. "Am I not showing my concern?" he said. "I'm here, aren't I? Is that not enough for you? Ryuichi, what's going on with you lately? I don't remember you being this…"

"Stupid? Clingy?" I added, scathingly, running a hand through my hair. "I know you all think it. 'Oh, there goes Ryuichi again, doing something that's just going to land him into trouble.' I told Tohma I could take care of myself. Maybe he should pass the message along."

"You know, you're the one trying to push all of us away." K said, glaring at me warningly. "And I think you've proven with your recent maturity that you can't take care of yourself."

I laughed. "K, you'll never change will you? I guess you'll always be Tohma's gun-toting messenger boy."

He stood up, shaking his head. "And I guess you'll always be the selfish little kid that has to have everyone's attention on him all the time. Excuse me. I've got a family I need to be getting back to."

I stood up, shaking, as he walked to the door. "It figures. It figures you'd all choose him over me. He's together. He's easy to deal with. And me? I'm what? The guy who keeps things interesting until you outgrow me and put me away."

He turned to face me, looking like he wanted to apologize. "Ryuichi…" he began, features tight, as though expecting me to explode at any moment. Though, given the predictability that familiarity had brought me, it was understandable.

I smiled, and put on my stage face. "No, no… I was wrong. Go back to your wife and son." I laughed. "In fact, I really don't care where you go. Just… don't come here again K. Really, I don't want to see any of you ever again. Just looking at you makes me want to vomit. So by all means, excuse _me_." I spread my arms wide and bowed once, tossing my apartment keys at his chest before waltzing through the door.

He called my name once, weakly, before giving up. How typical.

It was drizzling by the time I got outside, a wet, miserable rain, and I was thankful that, while hideous, my outfit managed to provide me with some warmth. I shoved Kumagoro down my shirt to protect his fur, and walked down the street with my head down and my hands in my pockets. It was amazing to me, how the city bled its color when it rained, fading out to match the gray of my mood. I can't remember how far I walked, or for how long, but by the time I took in my surroundings, I was soaked through and my chest was tight from trying to suppress my shivers. I didn't want to go home; there was nothing for me there but bitter reminders of the deserters I'd once called friends, and frozen food, which I'd never eat. Once I'd gone beyond cold and settled into numb, I remembered briefly that at one point in my life, I'd loved the rain. It had meant fresh puddles, and there was a certain level of comfort that watching it rain through a bus window gave me. And too, after it rained, everything ended up with a shine that the sun tended to wear away if it stayed warm for too long.

I picked my head up and stopped by a noodle cart, and after making some purchases, I sat on a park bench under a tree and ate until I was full, and somewhat warm, at least on the inside. After a brief pep talk from Kumagoro, he convinced me to invest in the services of a Laundromat, and I spent an hour in boxers and a tank top drying my clothes in one dryer, and Kuma-chan in another, as he would have gotten smacked around by my pushy wet sneakers. My hair was still wet, and I shivered and sniffed as passers-by gave me odd looks. The dryers buzzed productively, and I nearly fell asleep listening to them drone and watching them spin. When my clothes were ready, I dressed myself, snatched Kumagoro from the dryer and shoved him back down my shirt, as he was now warm, and would serve as a heater for the time being. Perusing through a few more storefronts, I found a suitable umbrella and bought that too, and after that wandering became much easier.

I found coins and put them in my pockets, and observed the faces in the sidewalk cracks that gazed back at me. I chased very wet pigeons, and bought a hot dog for a real dog, which left me amused as I have a very strange sense of humor. Once my pockets were full of loose change, I spent another hour in the park, skipping coins and rocks and other flat objects into one of the fountains that had filled with rainwater. For every coin, I would make a wish, and sometimes I would close my eyes and pretend that instead, I was the coin flying through the air, free for a few moments before sinking down into the cool water. I suppose I got so caught up in that sensation that somehow I ended up in the fountain, defeating my trip to the Laundromat and leaving me very cold. Despite the high likelihood that I would probably get sick and die shortly afterward, I stayed in the fountain, ears submerged so that I wouldn't have to hear the world carry on so very loudly. After a time, I heard Shuichi's voice, strong and clear and pure, and I sighed and let my eyes slip closed. For at least a little while I was content.

It ended up being a very short while, as Shuichi's voice got louder and louder, until I opened my eyes only to find that in fact, Shuichi was looming above me, looking nonplussed. "Ryuichi…?" he began, brow furrowed.

"Shuuuuuuichiiii?" I replied, lazily drawing out his name.

"Ryuichi," he repeated. "What are you doing going round and round in that fountain all by yourself in the rain?"

"I am fishing." I stated.

"For what?" he asked curiously.

"For tadpoles." I replied matter-of-factly.

"Oh. Well, I don't quite think this is the time or the place to go fishing for tadpoles, Ryuichi." He looked thoughtful. "Though, I don't really know much about them."

I nodded, as though mulling over his statement, before standing up, brushing sheets of water off of myself as though I were merely shaking the wrinkles out of a suit, and walking calmly out of the fountain, my shoes making depressed squishing noises as I went. It was then that I noticed Hiro, holding a black umbrella and looking at me as though finding me in a fountain wasn't expected, but wasn't surprising either.

"Hey, Shuichi," Hiro began, gesturing with his thumb over his shoulder. "Ayaka's waiting, and it's miserable. It would probably be better to go now, 'kay?"

Shuichi and Hiro said their goodbyes, and Shuichi took my arm, and used his own umbrella to fish mine from where it was floating in the fountain. Ignoring how wet I was getting him, he started talking animatedly about his new single, and Yuki, and how Hiro and Ayaka were getting along so famously. I half-listened, as I was gradually becoming aware that I was going to freeze to death, and I smiled, knowing that if I did, Shuichi would probably still be leading me by the arm through the park, chattering happily to my frigid corpse.

I don't actually remember getting to his apartment, but suddenly we were in an elevator and Shuichi was still talking away. I watched his mouth as the numbers lit up and faded, and before I knew what I was doing, I had a firm grip on his chin and I was centimeters from his face. "Shuichi." I breathed, watching his eyelashes flutter in shock, like recently disturbed butterflies.

"Wee-oo-itchy," he replied, voice higher pitched than before, his words slurred as I was holding his chin so tightly.

"I think," I began, attempting to bore holes into his head with my stare. "That you have to most ungodly gorgeous features I have ever seen on a human being." He squeaked, eyes wide and confused. If it were possible, I moved even closer to him. "By the way," I whispered, and he shivered in my arms. "Do you wear underwear?"

The elevator doors slid open, and I moved away from him with a slow smile. He attempted to say something, but it came out in the smallest of whimpers. I turned back to him, suddenly sunshine and smiles, and added. "It's fine if you don't, but if you do I was wondering if it would be alright to borrow some. I had to wear Eiri's last time and they itch something terrible. You know, maybe that's why he's so irritable. Or maybe they're too small. I've heard you can get terrible medical ailments from having drawers that are too tight. I think I read somewhere that- Shuichi? Are you coming?"

He pushed himself away from the wall mechanically, still looking like a possum torn between fainting and running away. I was pleased to note the blush that graced his features, and I fidgeted while waiting for him to open his door.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, throwing open the door. "Could you wait here? Yuki's… well, he's a little bit touchy about getting things wet and messy so I'm just going to grab some towels and maybe a spare change of clothes and if you just stay put I'll be right back so don't go anywhere okay!" He was out of sight before I had a chance to say anything, and I waited patiently in the doorway, dripping onto Eiri's precious flooring. I strained my ears to listen; apparently Eiri had been sleeping, and I cringed, hoping I hadn't gotten Shuichi in trouble. I heard nervous giggling and then a soft sigh, and I rolled my eyes. It figured that Eiri would find a rain scented Shuichi appetizing. I stepped further into the room, looking around, and I walked into the sight of their bedroom door. Eiri looked up, eyes narrowing, and he dropped Shuichi like a sack of potatoes.

"You pick up a stray, moron?" he asked, his voice sounding both arrogant and bored as only Eiri can perfect.

"Aah, Yuki, I saw him in the park, and he was soaked so…"

"So you felt the need to bring another burden into my home. Great." He got up and wandered to his office. "Feel free to call me when the National Retard Convention is over." I heard the sound of a beer can opening, and I briefly wondered if Eiri had managed to sneak a mini-frige in there, or at the very least a cooler, or if he was the type of man to drink warm beer.

"Yuki!" Shuichi whined, putting his hands on his hips and marching towards the office. Eiri would have slammed the door in Shuichi's face, but the waif was too quick, and had half of his body jammed through the doorway, though that didn't stop Eiri from putting more pressure on the door. "Yuki! We have a _guest_! And you've gotten slo- OW! Slow lately. Must be from all of those- OWW! –cigarettes! And all that beer! Why don't you come ou- Hey, that's my- NO THROWING THINGS YUKI, THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

Watching their exchange left me feeling somewhat intrusive, and after watching them wrestle with the door for a good five minutes, I calmly walked across the floor and put my hand on Shuichi's head. Their struggle immediately ceased, and Shuichi looked up at me intently. I smiled sweetly. "Naa, Shuichi, I'll come visit you some other time, huh? It looks like there are more important things you should be doing right now than humoring a stray."

"But… No, Ryuichi. Yuki's just…" Shuichi make a face and stuck his tongue out at the crack in the door. "Besides, it's late. And Yuki didn't mean anything by it. Come on, I can just get some blankets and you can use the shower and-"

I waved my hands "No, that's alright. I wouldn't want to be a burden or anything. It was good to see you though, Shuichi." I lightly squeezed his shoulder and received the penetrating gaze that was directed at me from beyond the door with a surprising amount of calm. "Eiri." I said with a half smile, before turning to leave. "Oh, Shuichi, would it be alright if I left Kumagoro with you for the evening? He needs to be dried and I'm afraid I won't be home in time to do it. I don't want him to catch a cold."

Shuichi looked puzzled, but I gave him an enigmatic smile and handed Kuma-chan to him, squeezing his ear in goodbye. "Thanks." I said, walking out the door.

Twenty minutes later, I arrived at a bar, and was well on my way to complete intoxication when this lithe, adorable little redhead walked through the door…


	6. 06

Hey, I'm back with another installment of Narcissism. I'm also still horribly upset at the horrendous update time, but it's also nice not to fail at school. Sorry for those of you who… uh, read this. Which reminds me, thank you to all of those who reviewed, and I do promise that I won't leave this unfinished. Sometimes it just takes me a while to get over crippling writer's block. Right, I'm babbling again. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 6

The inside of my skull was pounding like a malevolent choir of jackhammers by the time I woke up the next morning. A shaft of sunlight stole across my face, making everything bright and unpleasant, and I tried to roll over and burrow under anything even remotely shady. As it would happen, that anything turned out to be a warm body, which I snuggled into appreciatively, murmuring Shuichi's name. A good ten minutes later, I drifted back into consciousness, only to figure out that I was snuggled up against yet another one-night stand. Staggering up from the mattress, I fished around the room on my hands and knees for my boxers, before finding them behind the door and awkwardly putting my legs through their respective pant legs. I dressed in the rest of my clothes in a similar fashion and was about to leave, when I dug around in my pocket for some cash. Finding a large wad of bills, I slapped some of the money down on the bed stand and made to leave, head still sore from the acid I must have poured down my throat the night before.

"Ryuichi?" a voice called for me, sleepily.

I froze guiltily, turning around slowly. "Um. Good morning?"

I hadn't taken in the full extent of the gorgeousness of my latest tryst until that moment, and I probably would have been up for another go if I hadn't been so accursedly sober. He was young, bare naked, and nicely toned, with long legs and big brown eyes, and light red hair that gently framed his face. He had the sort of "Hey, what's that? Where we going?" expression that puppies wear when they're curious, and I had the sudden urge to take him home and keep him. He could sleep at the foot of the bed and I'd call him Admiral Fuzzybottom, and we could go for walks together and lead a very comfortable and happy lifestyle. I watched him stretch lazily and I melted a little bit, before shaking myself and backing slowly to the door. He looked up with a soft smile on his face.

"You're up early."

I nodded once, inwardly petrified.

"I didn't think you'd be a morning person." He yawned cutely and scratched behind his head. "Um, if you want, I can make you pancakes or something." He added shyly.

I blinked. "Are you this nice to everyone?" I added, confused.

"To everyone who? I don't understand." Suddenly he was extremely nervous. "Ryuichi, what… what's this on the end table?" He sat up, picking up the cash. "What's this all about?"

"I… I wasn't sure how much to…"

He narrowed his eyes. "You think I'm some kind of… gigolo, or something, don't you?"

I looked away. "I… I didn't mean anything by it, it's just…"

He snapped. "Didn't mean anything by it! _You_ were the one who asked me out yesterday, _you_ were the one who- who told me how you were looking for commitment, and _you_ were the one who sweet-talked your way into my apartment! You, you, you, you, you! I can't believe I fell for anything that tumbled out of your stupid mouth! Uuugh! I'm such an idiot!"

I winced, covering my ears with my hands. "Hey, not so loud." I frowned. "I really… said all of those things?"

He nodded with disgust.

I sighed, leaning back against the wall and staring up at the ceiling. "I'm really sorry. Really, really sorry. I'm just… a wreck right now. I mean, I bet if we'd met at another time, under different circumstances, we really would have gotten along well, but right now…" I shook my head sadly. "I'm just not the type of guy you want to bring around to meet your parents." I laughed. "I'm just a screw up."

He gave me a soft look. "Hey, I'm sure you're not that bad." He smiled slightly. "Besides, last night was pretty amazing. I mean…" His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, and he let the bed sheets pool at his waist. "Maybe you've just never had anyone patient enough to be in a relationship with." He let one of his smooth hands glide over his chest to rest behind his neck. "I mean, I wouldn't mind giving it a try with you."

As blatant an invitation as that was, for the kid's sake I decided not to involve him in the cat's cradle that was my personal life. I smiled in a naïve sort of way, before tilting my head to the side. "I wouldn't mind either… erm, what did you say your name was again?"

His face clouded almost as quickly as it had brightened up, and he snatched a pillow from the floor before hurling it in my direction. "You bastard! You arrogant, selfish, stupid-" The rest of his insults were cut off as I ran from the apartment, slamming the door behind me before making a beeline for the elevator. I found it kind of pathetic that all of my intimate relationships as of late tended to end up like this, and so I'd developed a sixth sense when it came to the quickest escape route. Cursing my sobriety once again, I was halfway to my apartment when I remembered that I'd left K there only a day before, and despite the fact that I was desperate for clothes that were neither Shuichi's nor Yuki's, I turned in the opposite direction. I refused to let K win, and so I was stubborn enough to never return to my apartment again.

I stopped by a branch of my bank to withdraw more money from my account, and then spent the rest of the day buying an insane amount of clothing. Cursing my own stupidity, as I realized that I had nowhere to put all of my shiny new things, I rented a hotel room and dumped my shopping bags there. By mid-afternoon, I was bored out of my skull despite all of the amusing vending machines the hotel had to offer, and so I left the hotel, locking my room keys soundly inside the door. At that moment, I really no longer cared what happened to my purchases, or myself, and so I meandered around the city for the rest of the day, before deciding to ride the subway for as long as I possibly could.

I was kicked off the subway at around one o'clock in the morning, and I found myself at an unfamiliar stop, getting looks from train operators and homeless people alike. Dead tired, I crawled into a telephone booth and shut the doors behind me, taking the phone off the hook and placing it next to my ear for comfort. The monotonous drone of the telephone operator lulled me to sleep, and I had fevered dreams of inserting coins and not having enough minutes to apologize to Tohma. I awoke with a start, as an angry man was rapping on the door to the phone booth, and I stumbled by him, wearily apologizing for the inconvenience. I was completely disoriented, and once I'd crawled out of the subway, I searched desperately for a clock, or a calendar, or really anything that would tell me what time it was. I settled for walking into a dingy little all-night diner and taking a seat at the counter, resting my head against its cool surface.

"Coffee." I moaned, peeling my skin from the tabletop. "With sugar and milk please?"

There was a nice looking girl behind the counter who poured me a cup, before spooning a large amount of sugar into my drink. She smiled at me, and I smiled back. "You're not a regular customer. I've never seen you before."

I shook my head. "Yeah, first time here."

"You know, I don't really like coffee either, but the caffeine's nice when you want to wake up, and with enough sugar it isn't so bad." I nodded, and she poured the milk. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" she asked shyly.

I looked at her, confused. "Um, why?"

She smiled again, and I felt the kind of comfortable that I usually only felt around Noriko or Tohma. "Well, you just look like you've got a lot on your mind." She looked off to the side. "Actually, if you don't mind my saying so, you look pretty awful. And I like talking to people when I'm feeling down, so… Um, sorry if that's weird. I'm just used to talking with the regulars about, you know, things like that."

I smiled wearily. "Well, I'm in love with someone I can't have, my friends have betrayed me and left me alone because their lives are too busy and important to include me, I'm unemployed, incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, completely uninspired to do the things I used to love, I can't go back to my apartment, I have a terrible headache, I lost my keys, and I slept in a phone booth yesterday. Do you have any advice for a situation like that?" I blew on my coffee, sipping it gingerly.

The girl behind the counter was dumbfounded for nearly a minute, before she started laughing. I would have been offended, but I watched her standing above me, holding her sides with tears running down her cheeks, and before I knew it I was laughing too. The whole situation was just too absurd, and we laughed until it hurt; she pounded her fist into the counter and I giggled helplessly into my arms. When we'd calmed down, she disappeared into the kitchen and brought me a slice of pie, before patting my head. "Well," she said. "Things could be worse. At least you've got your health."

I sneezed, and we laughed again.

Nearly an hour later, I remembered I'd been looking for the time, and so I asked her to turn on the television. She switched on the news, and on the bottom of the screen it was flashing "Sunday, 14 degrees Celsius, 7:08 am." My eyes narrowed, and something in the back of my mind told me there was something I needed to do that weekend, but I wrote it off as unimportant. At ten o'clock, I finally left the small café.

"Say, was I good enough company for you to drop by more often?" asked the girl behind the counter.

I shook my head, pushing the door open. The bells fastened to it made a delicate ringing sound. "If you're lucky, you'll never see me again." I smiled warmly, and dropped some large bills in the tip jar. "Thanks for the coffee." I added.

"Anytime." I heard her distant reply, before she went back to scrubbing down the counters.

I shuffled along again, hands deep in the pockets of my coat. It was deceptively warm outside, and I debated over what I should do. I started riding the subway again, but at noon I got off, opting to catch a train to the beach. My sudden desire to feel the sand beneath my feet brought me to the outskirts of the city. I bought a cheap bag and filled it with shells, and I was happy that it was so late in the year that the boardwalk was deserted. I took off my shoes and coat, and did cartwheels, and then I played in the water even though it was cold. When I was too tired to play around anymore, I sat on the line between the sand and the waves, and let the water tickle at my feet. I fell asleep on the sand, warmed by the lazy sun, and didn't awaken until late that evening.

The sun had gone down completely when I opened my eyes again, and the water had receded enough not to disturb me as I rested. I yawned, and stretched, and dusted the sand off of myself as I made my way back to my personal effects. I carried my coat and shoes, because it would have been pointless to fill them up with sand, and I was walking along the cool wooden slats of the boardwalk when my stomach rumbled. I sighed, and realized that there probably weren't any more trains out to the beach until tomorrow, and I wondered briefly if there were even any restaurants open. Brushing sand out of my hair, I thought about how Tatsuha had promised me a good home cooked meal, and I frowned, thinking that perhaps he'd broken his promi-

_Tatsuha_.

_Saturday_.

I made a wailing sound in the back of my throat, and took off down the boardwalk, distantly recalling a pay phone a few blocks away. I stumbled over a loose board and clumsily fell, my bag of shells flying over my head and scattering like so much shattered glass as a large splinter of wood imbedded itself into my foot. I wailed like a cat and bit my lip at the pain, ignoring my things as I limped to the phone. I found it where I'd remembered and fumbled through my pockets for loose change, jamming random coins into the slot and shakily pressing the digits for his apartment.

"Hello." He began.

"Tatsuha!" I cried desperately.

"This is Tatsuha. I'm unable to reach the phone right now, but if you'd like to leave a message-"

"The machine!" I cursed, slamming my head against the Plexiglas booth. I sighed, resigning myself to the fate of spending yet another night in a phone booth. "Tatsuha…" I whined, listening to the fateful beep at the end of his message. "I just… I wanted… Urm, this is Ryu, uh Ryuichi. I guess… you're out. I'll… Yeah. Uh Bye."

Just before I replaced the receiver, I heard a rather loud "RYUICHI! DON'T HANG UP!" Jamming the phone against my ear, I cried "TATSUHA!" hoping that I wasn't hallucinating from blood loss and having phone conversations with myself.

"Ow… Uh, you don't have to yell Ryuichi. Just… where are you? Shuichi's called here at least eight times, and Tohma even stopped by. Everyone's worried sick, thank all that's holy you're okay."

I sniffled a little. "Oh. Uh, I… I just, um. I just couldn't stand being at my place anymore, so I left. And I guess I got on the wrong train, so I ended up at the beach and I don't really know where I am, and it's getting dark out and I can't get back into the city and I don't really know what to do, and everyone's pretty fed up with my bullshit, and Kumagoro isn't here, and I'm so, so tired, and I don't want to have to sleep outside again, but I can't go back, I just can't, and I missed our date, and I bet you're really mad too, and I just knew I was going to mess everything up but I just can't help it sometimes, and-"

"Ryuichi! Just slow down, okay? You're upset, and you're in an unfamiliar place. Calm down, stay where you are, and tell me any landmarks I can find you by."

I wiped my face. "Uh, I think there's a pier over there with a big fifteen on it, and I can go look at the names of some restaurants if you want."

"That's a good start. Don't freak out, okay Ryuichi?"

"I'll be okay." I said quietly. "Just… don't tell anybody about this, okay?"

"But they've been looking for you all day…" he began.

"Just… please, don't. This is bad enough without… you understand, right."

"Yeah. Just, hold on. What did you say the names of those restaurants were?"

"Oh." I replied. "Hold on, I'll be right-"

"Please insert more coins to continue."

I glared at the receiver. Shuffling through my pockets, I found some more change, but my hands were shaking so badly I dropped it all. Stumbling around on my hands and knees, I couldn't find enough money to continue the call. When I stood up again, my head was spinning, and when I looked at my hands they were covered in the blood from my foot. I gagged, swallowing a couple times before taking in a few shaky breaths, willing myself to stay calm. I was going to be okay, because Tatsuha was on his way to find me. I drifted in and out of consciousness for a while, leaning up against the side of the phone booth. Occasionally I tested my injured foot, but it stuck to the floor with each trial, and so eventually I gave up.

Time lost all meaning as I huddled inside that booth, and the sky only seemed to get darker. I fell asleep completely after a time, only to startle awake at sounds and shadows. I was terrified, and alone, and terribly hungry, and so I curled up into a ball and rested my head on my knees, rocking back and fourth. The silence became so unbearable that I started to sing, unsteady warbling at first, but soon I was tapping a backbeat on the door of the phone booth, and the acoustics inside the tiny cubicle were so interesting that I started to forget where I was. I invented melodies as I went along, making up nonsense lyrics to keep me company, and suddenly I didn't feel nearly so terrible. I was repeating to chorus to one of my songs when a figure loomed above me.

I yelped and kicked out, striking Tatsuha with my bad foot. I winced in pain again, holding my foot to me carefully, before glaring up at him. "Tatsuha! Don't scare me like that! Give a guy some warning before you sneak up on him in the dead of night!"

He knelt down next to me. "I called your name. Four times. I guess you were having such a good time you didn't notice. Want me to leave you here?"

At that moment, I realized that Tatsuha was actually there, in the flesh, after having driven hours to come and get me based entirely on skeptical directions. I was flooded with relief and gratitude and an overwhelming feeling of safety. Without thinking, I snatched Tatsuha by the collar and pulled him to me in a kiss.

It was… sweet. And strange. It was probably the last thing Tatsuha was expecting, especially after our hysterical phone conversation, and he froze up. Hell, it was the last thing I was expecting, and yet… it felt more right than anything else in my life. I drank from his lips, moving my arms to a more comfortable position, before nipping his lower lip with my teeth. He opened his mouth in a gasp, and I deepened the kiss, pleased when he got over his initial shock and started to react. I discovered that, as I has suspected, Tatsuha was indeed a boy of many hidden talents, and he shifted, placing his palm flat against the wall of the phone booth while bringing me closer to him with his other arm. I melted then, combing my hands through his hair and dragging the moment out as long as I possibly could, disappointed when he separated us with a resounding "smack."

"Ryuichi," he panted into my mouth. "It's late, we need to…"

I bit his tongue with my teeth, drawing it into my mouth again. He submitted to the second kiss, closing his eyes and drawing me flush up against him. I don't know how many minutes we stayed like that, kissing in a phone booth at a God-awful hour of the morning, but eventually he shifted, and we moved apart, and as we went to kiss again, our noses slammed together, and we both withdrew sheepishly.

"Uh, sorry." He said with a blush, rubbing at his nose.

I looked away. "It's okay." For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was nervous all of a sudden, confused by his behavior before all of this and concerned that maybe all he'd wanted was friendship, and I'd gone and ruined that for him. I looked up into his eyes. "Tatsuha…?"

"Yeah?" he replied, sitting back on his heels.

"Would you… hate it if I stayed with you for a while? I… won't do anything out of line, I just… need something solid to fall back on, and, well, I really… like you." My cheeks burned, which hadn't happened to me since grade school. I mean, honestly, I was Sakuma Ryuichi, God and idol to millions, and there I was, stammering and blushing like a girlish twit.

He looked… happy. In a way I'd never seen in anyone before. He leaned up against the side of the phone booth and smiled like I was the only other person in the whole world, and I thought to myself that Shuichi was really lucky if he could make Yuki smile like this sometimes.

"Yeah Ryuichi. Whatever you need." He held out his hand to me, and I took it. "Shit, what happened to your foot? There's a ton of blood all over the place."

I grimaced. "I tripped. It's okay though, I can manage."

Ignoring my words, Tatsuha slipped an arm around me and picked up my stuff, all but carrying me back to his car. Noting the black sedan, I wondered briefly if Yuki had actually lent Tatsuha his car in order to search for me, and I smiled at the thought. Tatsuha leaned close to buckle me into the passenger seat, and I inhaled deeply, taking in his scent. Immensely comfortable, I fell asleep almost immediately, and I woke up only when Tatsuha dragged my carcass out of the car and into his apartment nearly three hours later. He helped me get out of my dirty clothes, and after he made me shower, he cleaned up my foot. Wrapping it in sterile gauze, I can barely remember changing in his room before climbing into his bed and dropping off to sleep.


End file.
